Dear Children,

Greetings from your parents. We are delighted to inform you that, once again, annual family revenue figures and forecasts have exceeded expectations. On the basis of the latest exchequer returns, the family should have a surplus of revenue over spending this year of £432.78, or £443.56 when including the profits from the Telecom investment.

Viewed superficially, this means that when the family budget is drawn up in December, there should be enough cash to reduce the bank overdraft, cut the credit-card bills and pay a deposit on the summer holiday. Christmas should not be quite such a financial disaster as usual, and on top of all that, pocket money allowances might possibly be increased.

Looked at more closely, however, the picture is not quite so sunny. Pressures on spending underline the difficulties being faced by the family in holding the growth in day-to-day expenditure to the limits set out on budget day. There are ominous signs of a deteriorating industrial environment. The very size of the surplus will bring its own problems. Those family members who feel they have not had their fair share of the Celtic Tiger benefits up to now will naturally be seeking more than others.

Accordingly, your mother and I cannot overemphasise the need to proceed cautiously. We are convinced that excessive generosity is the surest way to kill the Tiger. And the last thing we need is a pay revolt.

We are well aware that three of you - Susie, Anne and Samantha - have, in so far as your school schedules allow, been devotedly caring for your great-grandmother over the past two years, ever since the poor woman's dementia was diagnosed. And we accept that for a long time you have been under-compensated for this demanding work, while your brothers have contributed comparatively little to her care.

But girls, we did offer you substantial improvements in your situation some months ago. You will recall that these included an extra pound a week each in pocket money; a reduction in ironing duties (the slack being taken up by your mother); and an extra night off every third weekend.

With a lot of very vocal support from your friends, you chose to turn down this generous offer. And you have held out for your initial demands, which involve a very substantial increase in remuneration, not to mention the right to sleepovers at indeterminate locations on Saturday nights.

While we are deeply sympathetic to your position, it is simply not possible in our system of pay determination in the private sector to "ring-fence" any particular group. If we were to concede your demands, the floodgates would open and your siblings would certainly inundate us with equally vociferous demands for similar compensation. That way lies disaster.

We are disappointed, too, that you have all reacted so negatively to our suggestion that this year's surplus should be entirely devoted to providing a proper infrastructure for your parents' future, namely a pension fund.

Most difficult to understand is Donal's response that the money would be better directed to an immediate capital spending project, namely a new 3-Series BMW. While we understand that, as a young man of 17, you are more focused on the here-and-now, we are disappointed that you seem to be so impressed by vulgar symbols of status.

Actually, Donal, I had already suggested the Beemer (with aircon and alloys, like you said) to your mother, but she blew me out of it. She did mention a second-hand Spacewagon in the new year if current target spending is not exceeded.

As your parents, we are keen to broker an honourable settlement and avoid chaos. We continue to look at a wide variety of projects in the forthcoming family development plan. Overall, what we would like to do is enhance the living standards of every member of the family while also making an effort to secure cohesion and retain at least a superficial notion of social partnership.

With all this in mind, your mother and I have decided to spend a portion of the surplus on an October bank holiday break in Bundoran (this time without your grandmother), and you can share out the remaining £24.50 between you any way you like. We can't be fairer than that.