Kudos to the French for believing that small children will be completely down with the Greek classics. Kudos, equally, to the squadron of screenwriters – Jean-François Tosti, David Alaux, Éric Tosti – for ensuring that the various Olympians depicted in this new family comedy start off as jerks, behave abominably, and emerge, well, as jerks. No lessons learned.
In this respect, if no other Epic Tails – known variously as Pattie et la colère de Poséidon and Argonuts in other territories – remains admirably faithful to its source material.
We’re certain, nonetheless, that Homer and Hesiod never made mention of a supersmart, nautically obsessed mouse named Pattie, who, as this crude-looking animation opens, dreams of leaving the prosperous, idyllic port of Yolcos, and setting sail for Alexandria. Sam, her protective surrogate dad, has other ideas.
Sam is a cat, for some reason, who runs a theatre, for some reason.
Beauty & the Beast review: On the way home, younger audience members re-enact scenes. There’s no higher recommendation
Matt Cooper: I’m an only child. I’ve always been conscious of not having brothers or sisters
A Dublin scam: After more than 10 years in New York, nothing like this had ever happened to me
Patrick Freyne: I am becoming a demotivational speaker – let’s all have an averagely productive December
When Poseidon gets the hump with locals, it falls to Pattie, an elderly Jason, and his now zombie Argonauts to seek a sapphire befitting an irate sea-god. Sam is less keen on undertaking a perilous voyage to an island populated by Cyclops.
Randomly, characters on screen burst into song, before apparently forgetting the musical component altogether. There’s some kind of martial arts school for rats. Other rats imitate The Godfather or rather imitate Shark Tale imitating The Godfather. Lobsters with vaguely Caribbean accents lobby for peace and love.
The English-language script is really quite horrible. Pattie’s book-reading leaves her ostracised as a “nerdo”. Sam the cat, meanwhile, keeps calling his charge “sweetie” in a tone that recalls sleazier 1970s presenters of Top of the Pops.
Still, the wacky gags with hydra heads and the snot-nosed baby kraken will amuse and disgust younger viewers. And we won’t hear a word against the seagull channelling Long John Silver.
