`Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house the nation's politicians were struggling to decide on suitable gifts for their colleagues. The sticky yuletide question had been posed by The Irish Times. The answers ranged from the sublime to the ridiculous.
Some of the suggestions were utterly predictable, and so Mary Harney should brace herself for a stocking full of paper-shredders on the morning of December 25th. At least one will bear season's greetings from Ruairi Quinn.
But books make altogether more sensible presents, and there was no shortage of suitable tomes. Two of them are destined for Foreign Affairs Minister, David Andrews. FG spokesperson on foreign affairs, Gay Mitchell, chose a fairy story: "The Three Bears - so he can learn how to save his breath for cooling his porridge". Former foreign affairs minister, Dick Spring, plumped for a history of the Roman Empire. "It will keep him occupied for about six months," he said.
Certain TDs were more generous than others. FG spokesman on public enterprise, Ivan Yates, displayed admirable largess with no fewer than three presents for Mary O'Rourke.
The first was a rabbit's ears TV aerial "to remind her of the thousands of people who are stuck watching RTE this Christmas, because of her failure to leglislate on the issue of deflectors".
Second on his list was a Thomas the Tank Engine, to remind the Minister to secure funding to make the national railway safe "especially from Dublin to Rosslare and Mullingar to Sligo".
Finally he would furnish her with a toy shovel. "While she investigates the feasibility of Luas going underground she is jeopardising the EU funding that is crucial to allow the project to go ahead," he said.
A musical note was struck by some with Labour's Derek McDowell opting to put a copy of Billy Bragg's Talking to the Taxman about Poetry under Finance Minister Charlie McCreevy's Christmas tree. Jim Higgins pulled no punches with his present for the Minister for Justice, John O'Donoghue, that hinted at a recent controversy in the courts, Englebert Humperdinck's Please Release Me, Let Me Go.
Music may be the food of love, but Labour spokesman on agriculture, Willie Penrose, was proposing a more substantial offering for the Minister for Agriculture, Joe Walsh. "I'd ask him to ask Charlie McCreevy for £6 million to restore the installation aid scheme for young farmers. When he had that done I'd give him a big Tbone steak from the best heifer steers in Westmeath," he said.
FG spokesman on sport, Bernard Allen, would send current Minister for Sport, Jim McDaid, a copy of his own "very excellent" national plan for sport this Christmas. "He might find it useful reading over the holiday," he said. For his part Minister McDaid wished Deputy Allen many happy years in his present position.
Ruairi Quinn was the only party leader who decided to dole out gifts to his colleagues. For Bertie Ahern, he proposed a new cabinet; for Mary Harney, the ubiquitous paper-shredder; for John Bruton, laughing gas; and for Proinsias De Rossa, a pet rabbitte.
Green Party TD, Trevor Sargent, will be delighted (or perhaps not) to learn that this Christmas Ruairi proposes to present him with some of his old ties.
Mr Sargent's colleague, John Gormley, returned the compliment suggesting "a very ordinary and dull" tie would make a change for the Labour leader. Mr Gormley also wished specialist driving lessons for Bertie Ahern "to perfect his U-turns", a stateof-the-art paper-shredder for Mary Harney and a Braun hairstyling set for (who else?) Jackie Healy-Rae.
Liz McManus's present for Minister of State, Bobby Molloy, referred to the current housing row. The Democratic Left TD thoughtfully suggested a book on agoraphobia for Deputy Molloy. "He doesn't appear to like open spaces," she explained.
Other gift ideas ranged from the curious to the downright cryptic. Minister for Social, Family and Community Affairs, Dermot Ahern, revealed he would give opposition spokesman Jim O'Keefe a video of the movie Twins, starring Danny de Vito.
The Minister for Defence, Michael Smith, would send opposition spokespersons, Frances Fitzgerald and Michael Bell, on "a fact-finding trip on the Casa maritime patrol aircraft".
Roisin Shortall reckoned that the Minister for Health and Children, Brian Cowen. needed "to calm down a little" and that he lacked aplomb.
Her Christmas gift idea for the Minister? Aplomb pudding.
