In a letter from the Vatican, Roman Catholic priests have been warned not to eat or drink too much, and to watch their manners.
Naturally the Vatican did not issue this warning in such summary form. Written by the Congregation for Clergy, the warning was contained in a 44-page missive, issued in seven languages, and issued to every Roman Catholic priest in the world.
The emphasis seemed to be on the dangers of giving scandal to the faithful by over-indulgence of varying kinds, rather than on any innate spiritual (or physical) danger to the clergy themselves. The faithful "See, observe, feel and listen not only when the Word of God is preached, but when he (the priest) eats and when he rests."
This is no doubt supposed to put the fear of God, or at least of the congregation, into some of our more indulgent clergy, though it does summon up rather odd images of people staring at priests in mid-mouthful, or keeping a suspicious watchful eye on a slumbering clergyman.
It is a bit much however when a newspaper headline sums up this directive as follows: "Vatican tells priests not to become Friar Tucks". This is a foul slur on poor Friar Tuck, unless the newspaper has some Friar Tucks, of whom I have never heard, in mind. In reality, Friar Tuck was at least as valuable to Robin Hood as any of the other merrie men. Because of his rotundity, he was not perhaps as useful in a skirmish as Little John, for example, and because of his excessive weight he was certainly the butt of many rude jokes from his companions. Yet anyone who has read the medieval stories will be aware of Friar Tuck's warm and wily nature, of how central he was to the story and the action, and how much he was loved by Robin Hood, Maid Marian and the rest of the merrie men. In short, there is no indication at all that his "congregation" admired him any the less just because he liked an enormous dinner and a few (too many) glasses, or indeed bottles, of wine. It was part of what he was, and the Congregation for Clergy would do well to remember that before attempting to inflict on us a priesthood which has to keep a trim figure at all costs and think twice before having a second glass of wine.
As if the poor devils haven't enough to contend with already in a near-godless world - and I don't think the residents of the Vatican City are themselves noted for their asceticism. Meanwhile, just a few days after a leading Jesuit magazine redefined concepts of Hell, the Pope (himself) has declared that Heaven is neither an abstraction nor a physical place among the clouds, but a "state of being" after death.
There'll be no drink, that's the main thing.
You would think that with the current heatwave in Rome, the Pope and his Vatican pals would get out in the sun and relax for a bit, instead of worrying the rest of us and upsetting a clergy which is only trying to do its best. However, Pope John Paul is just back from a summer break in the Swiss Alps, so we can perhaps excuse him still having his head in the clouds, where he has not seen Paradise.
Still, it's a bit depressing that we are no longer supposed to believe in the Paradise described by St Paul. He tells us he went there and back during his own lifetime (to the third heaven out of seven) - "whether in the body or out of the body I do not know, God knows." This sounds suspiciously like St Paul had a few drinks before or during the trip, but whatever the truth is, his description of Heaven turned up, centuries later, in a marble box in the foundations of the house where he lived in Tarsus. This "Apocalypse of Paul" revealed, gratifyingly, that Heaven had the expected golden gates and pillars, masses of angels, four rivers flowing with honey, milk, wine and oil, and trees laden with fruit. The Vatican might be well advised to return to St Paul's version of Heaven, as it is clearly a lot more attractive to the ordinary punters than some vague "state of being" after death, and belief in it might keep more of them in line. As for the clergy, the highest of St Paul's seven heavens is reserved for those who have remained sexually continent all their lives. So hang in there, lads: it's surely a better incentive than dire warnings from the Vatican.
But even those who end up in Hell can still look forward to some relief, if it conforms to St Paul's vision of it. He believed that because of the intercession of the archangel Michael - good on ye, Mick, me oul' flower - Jesus allows the wicked in Hell one day and one night off per week.
Times Square will resume on August 26th
