What's to be done to protect teenagers from a harsh world - and to protect parents from their teenagers' world? Padraig O'Morain reports

For parents of teenagers, this time of year is not for the faint-hearted. If mud-wrestling at Witnness wasn't enough, in no time at all, radio phone-in programmes will be thick with disapproving voices condemning teenage excess in the wake of the Junior Cert and Leaving Cert results.

And what are they at when they are on the Internet, ignoring the long, sunny, summer evenings outside? A recent survey found that of the 30 per cent of Irish children who visited chatrooms, 87 per cent were asked for face-to-face meetings. And just what is passing between teenagers in all that frenetic texting that goes on? And there are the more serious questions: what if my child takes drugs at one of those summer parties, or develops a drink problem or is assaulted or becomes deeply depressed?

Small wonder that, as one writer put it, parents and children go into the teenage years with their fists up. But that's not a helpful attitude, according to counsellor Ms Norah Byrne who has run special parenting courses about teenagers. "The most important thing is to keep the relationship going, no matter what," she says of the strategic approach she recommends parents to take to their teens. "They are becoming young adults. Up to the age of 12 you are the biggest picture they have in their world. After that you become the size of a postage stamp." It is crucial to avoid pushing them away into secrecy by over-zealousness. Instead of saying no, no, no, talk to them, she advises. "You can't say don't smoke, don't drink. Once you say that they are going to do it in secret." Instead, "talk to them about these things. "Ask them their opinion, do their friends do it, how much does it cost? You have to negotiate, you can't go in any more and say you can't do it." If you are afraid of what will happen if they go to that party, with that crowd, to that shopping centre, to that nightclub, "say what you are afraid of. Ask them what do they think about that? Talk openly with them."

In other words, "when you have a fear, discuss it with your child. Don't become defensive, hostile and aggressive." Otherwise, the child becomes secretive and stops communicating. "It's very important that the child knows you trust them. When the child sees you respecting them like that they begin to act accordingly." There is an art to talking to a teenager about important things. "If you want to talk to a teenager about something important, you should never sit down face to face.

"The best time is when you are doing the dishes, or out driving the car, or when you are doing something else. Saying 'let's sit down and have a discussion' doesn't work."

Anyone who has ever been invited by their boss to sit down because "there's something we need to talk about" will empathise.