KEVIN had faced the idea, that he was going to die. When first diagnosed HIV, positive he was terrified and resentful. However, after a long process he had come to terms with his demise and accepted it.
But then he was put on triple drug therapy and suddenly got his life back. Apart from the obvious joy that death is not imminent, the effect of taking the drugs has impacted on a number of areas of his life.
"Well, I moved into the house that I am living in now on the basis that I would be dead within a year. But that is not looking likely, so I had to go to the person who owns the house recently and say to him `look, the situation has obviously changed - do you still want me to live here?'," says Kevin, who looks exceptionally healthy. "It also means a reassessment of my relationships. I have had to renegotiate with my friends. Perhaps they are less willing to make allowances for me now that I am not about to die! It obviously does look fairly positive now," adds Kevin, who is gay.
Kevin, who does not want to be identified because of his family, has a regime which involves taking 16 tablets a day. He began it last summer and after a few weeks his viral load was undetectable. Since then his T cells, which had been below 30, have continued to rise. It was a very dramatic increase. The biggest difference is in his energy levels. In the morning he takes AZT and 3TC; after eating something, preferably with an amount of fat, he takes ritonavir, which must be stored in the fridge. After that he likes to lie down for half an hour because they tend to repeat and are nauseating. Twelve hours later he repeats the process.
"There are these attendant things with my illness, like retching over the toilet bowl as a result of the medication. I also have a problem with crapping myself occasionally, but I have gone beyond the stage of that bothering me. I would prefer if it did not happen - but you are not a better person simply because you are more in control of your sphincter muscle."
Kevin, who now works with voluntary groups, tested positive in 1993 and believes he was positive for a long time prior to that. His family knows about his illness but the neighbours don't. "That bothers me. It would be nice to talk to your neighbour about something as important as this."
"I was petrified of the reaction of my parents. Now I wonder what I expected. I know my mother was hurting but she did the mother thing and did not show her upset so that I wouldn't be upset too. I told her on the basis that I would be very sick shortly. I'm thrilled that I did it. I hated the dishonesty."
Kevin received pretest counselling at the Cork Aids Alliance and after he tested positive. He also speaks very highly of the psychological assistance he received from the counsellor/social workers at Dublin's Mater Hospital, where he is treated.
He discovered he was HIV positive during the summer and felt he would be dead by Christmas. About a year and a half ago his T cells began to drop, and he "had the notion of time passing faster". He was on AZT but experienced adverse reactions to it.
"I just wanted my head to be all right. I had to work through it. In my head I wasn't ready to be dead. The process of dying and how to deal with it was more worrying. I had never thought about it before I was tested. I was an ostrich. But I did manage to get my head around the notion of dying. I started on the basis of just being dead.
"I am not interested in afterlife theories - whether there is one or not. I just thought, `this is part of the process, part of what my life is going to be I do not have the time to devote to this - of being jealous of my friends' future, or wondering if they would mention me in 10 years' time.
"It was an inability to let go. I constantly let go now. I am aware of separation between me and my friends. HIV is unlike any other illness: nobody will give a prognosis of time. I do know people who have died while on triple therapy. You realise death is definite, but it is a whenever process. You know it will not be when you are 90, but who knows before that?"
