Welcome to Flight 2020. There will be no exits from this plane until we land so we are stuck with one another for the year. The captain has turned on the fasten seat belt sign. Ignore him. It doesn’t matter.
Please stow your carry-on luggage underneath the seat in front of you or in an overhead bin. Be careful opening the overhead bin as, well, shift happens.
Make sure your seat is back and folding trays are in their upright position. It’ll give you something to do. If you are seated next to an emergency exit, don’t worry. A computer put you there and, emergency or not, you’re not getting off until December.
Smoking is prohibited, including in the lavatories. Tampering with, disabling or destroying the lavatory smoke detectors means you will be thrown off.
Immediately! Regardless! No exceptions.
Our flight time will be 8,784 hours and thsree minutes. It is a leap year, after all. For most of that time we will be flying at 30,000 feet, or 9,144 metres. Please set your portable electronic devices to ‘airplane’ mode, until arrival.
I’d like to direct your attention to the television monitors. We will be giving our safety demonstration and request your complete attention as this won’t happen again for 12 months.
Meanwhile, if you are sitting next to a noisy small child, or someone who is acting like a noisy small child, do us all a favour – reach for the oxygen mask and stuff it in his/her face.
In the event of decompression, put your own mask on first.
Occasionally, turbulence may occur. Outside! The seat belt sign will go on and, in case of moderate to severe turbulence, the flight crew will lead all in prayers. This applies whether you’re a believer or not, as it is our experience that there are no atheists in turbulence.
Weather at our destination is completely irrelevant but getting there you can expect rain, wind, sleet, snow, and sunshine above the clouds.
When we reach cruising altitude, feel free to move about the aircraft. Do please stay inside until we land. It’s always very cold outside.
So sit back, relax, and enjoy Flight 2020. Or you can just be anxious.
The choice is yours.
Journey, to travel from one place to another. From Old French journoiier, journée, ‘a day’s work/ travel’.
inaword@irishtimes.com
