Thursday . . . Albert Reynolds to speak at Moonie conference. Friday . . . Reynolds to share platform with Moonie leader . . .
All very intriguing. But let us go back a bit.
August, 1996
Tanned, well-dressed, elderly gentleman seen wandering on Sandymount Strand, in company of three young people offering him home-made biscuits and urgently speaking of a "new understanding in the Millennial dawn of time." Gentleman seen to fall to ground with arms outstretched heavenwards. Gets up with damp patches on knees. Eats three biscuits. Forms hand-holding huddle with young people.
September
Same man recognised entering mysterious hostel outside Buncrana. Two-piece suit now replaced by flowing pink muslin shirt, drawstring linen trousers and sandals. Undergoes initiation ceremony and takes name of Kyut Al. Soon known to locals as Cute Al.
October
Row heard at hostel a.g.m. Kyut Al emerges as second-in-command, but fails in attempt to be henceforth referred to as "Allah".
November
Members of Kyut Al's family arrive in Buncrana, keeping a low profile. Locals turn out in large numbers to follow family and observe how low profile is maintained. Huge row at hostel. Family members leave hurriedly. Party members arrive, in high profile. Party members thrown by Kyut Al's behaviour. Kyut Al throws out party members. Kyut Al throws party. (Kyut Al now first in command).
December
Kyut Al and colleagues celebrate Christmas by sacrificing lamb in local woods while stark naked. Locals stick to turkey but join fun later on in evening. Police called (to join in, which they do). Parish priest kicks up fuss. Kyut Al talks to him. Priest orders three muslin shirts.
January 8th, 1997
Professional de-programmer arrives incognito in Buncrana, checks quietly into local B&B (£18 per night). Word instantly goes about that "PD" has arrived in Buncrana. Some confusion, quickly sorted out to relief of all.
January 9th
Everyone in Buncrana keeping the secret that professional deprogrammer (PD), travelling incognito, is staying at Mrs O'Connor's B&B.
January 10th, 3 p.m.
PD, wearing pinstripe suit, enters hostel. 7 p.m. PD emerges in flowing pink muslin shirt, drawstring linen trousers and sandals. Finds drawstring sandals uncomfortable. Kyut Al assures him he will get used to them. Mid- night. PD enjoying initiation ceremony involving home-made wine and much nakedness in Buncrana woods. Locals stick to Guinness but join fun later on in evening. Police called (to join in, which they do).
April
Easter ceremonies celebrated in Buncrana woods, as above, though with better-quality wine imported directly from Bordeaux by Kyut Al, plus 20 lambs supplied by local farmers assured by Al of even better times to come and no more messing with the CAP.
May
Party members make renewed overtures to Kyut Al, bringing interesting suggestion that new preMillennial dawn could well see him exchange hostel accommodation for residence in Phoenix Park. Kyut Al tries on abandoned pinstripe suit, finds it still fits. Party members adjourn to Buncrana pubs in high spirits. Kyut Al remains in hostel investigating last Age of Aquarius.
June
Kyut Al's hostel colleagues concerned at his mental state: he is murmuring "President Al" over and over, and now claims muslin is "fit only for straining whey."
July
Kyut Al's followers shocked as he deserts hostel, leaving muslin shirt in bin, and begins nationwide canvas. Last-ditch email message from Rev Sun Myung Moon himself fails to move him.
September
Kyut Al shafted by supposed friends and colleagues. Gives up on Age of Aquarius on realisation that Marian Age will continue for another seven years at least.
October
Kyut Al accepts the inevitable, returns to Buncrana hostel at entrant level once again, remains incommunicado. Takes up teaching humility, having successfully sidelined headmaster.
