Last year Joe and Cora had a wonderful holiday in Dorset together - by spending most of it apart. He likes shops, stimulation and hunting for bric-a-brac. She likes reading, writing, swimming and walking. After an equable breakfast, they happily went their separate ways, checking in briefly at lunch-time, and meeting up with the sun over the yard-arm to exchange news of the day's adventures.

The current arrangement has been forged after many years of poor holiday experiences: "I've a natural affinity for luxury," he says. "I think holidays should be a time of escapism and pleasure. When the children were young all we could afford were farmhouse holidays, and I remember being very miserable, exchanging our home for cramped surroundings, all cooped up in one room, or sitting in the car with the rain pelting down."

A recent survey of 2,000 British holiday makers reveals that the summer break joins moving house and marital separation as a major player in the stress league. The survey, carried out for Barclaycard, found that over four in 10 couples engaged in fierce arguments on holiday, and all hated the queues and delays that are part of the tourist season. One in five was ill when away and four out of 10 positively looked forward to returning home.

The British marriage counselling service Relate now links a rise in calls each autumn to summer holiday angst. While the Catholic marriage counselling service Accord doesn't experience the same September graph, it is very aware of holiday flash-points.

"You're in a campsite in France or an apartment in Spain, together 24 hours a day, without the usual props," says Accord's Fiona Leahy. "You're expecting everything to be wonderful, you're getting away from your difficulties, so you're all the more disappointed if things don't go well".

Even a seemingly idyllic setting could be a flawed paradise: "Parents could decide on something like a villa in Tuscany as a marvellous idea and depart with two teenagers and an eight-year-old. But after the first few days round the pool, they find there's nothing to do, no organised activity, the kids are bored, the parents become tense," she says.

Freda Roche of the Family Therapy & Counselling Centre Dublin agrees that some holidays are almost set up for failure: "Many people need routine and use it to keep them sane. After the excitement of getting ready to go on holidays, you suddenly have all this free time and no structures. There's no place to go, no place to hide. `So what'll we do now?' " Some holidays from hell are a result of bad luck or bad planning, others may show up abroad what's going on at home.

"A holiday can put the spotlight on the mistaken beliefs we have on how we live. So you may have a woman looking after kids, a husband out working all day," says Freda. "They both hold the idea of holiday in a charmed space. But his idea of enjoying himself may not be spending a lot of time with his wife and children if he doesn't see this as life enhancing. The man who relaxes at home by slumping in front of the television may seek the same way of relaxing abroad.

"So the holiday identifies the kind of enjoyment and communication you normally have. Gradually she realises he's not going to be available here either. We have to bring ourselves on holidays with our flaws and expectations. To expect that we will change for holidays is not realistic."

Dual career families may dream in unending January about quality time together and their 2.4 delightful children in balmy July. But this year one young professional couple cut short an Irish resort holiday because they weren't getting on, and came home shaken, not stirred: "Expecting the holiday to produce the goods is a very fabricated thing, and puts a strain on everything - it won't be relaxing," says Freda. Equally, the newer blended family on holiday can be a powder keg of seething issues between children, step-children, parents and stepparents. No wonder the lid can blow off.

But being away together can be valuable, says Fiona Leahy: "If you are de-stressed, warmth and wine can create the right atmosphere to look at things you don't have time for at home. The negative side is that you may have to face the reality that no matter how much sun and wine there is, it's not going to be enough to paper over the cracks and the realisation that things are on the downslide.

"Some couples enter a cycle of denial, believing if they give it time, it will go way. Generally speaking, few problems go away without being addressed." However, a holiday that is a catalyst for what is wrong and encourages people to go for help can be valuable: "In Accord we would say if there's a willingness on the part of the two people, a lot can be done," says Fiona, "though looking at problems is difficult, scary and can take a lot of courage".

One family had their holiday ruined this year by their eldest daughter, 14 going on 36, who was hostile, unpleasant and wanted nothing to do with them. Having a successful holiday with teenagers depends, says Freda, on where you go, and the relationship you have with them: "They'll be concerned with who's looking at me, who can I meet? Being accepted as part of a group, meeting someone special, discoing, being away from their parents - that's the criteria for a brilliant teenage holiday." Fiona Leahy agrees: "Parents may have to compromise in the early years. An organised campsite with basketball, swimming, football for the children so that they're active all day will probably work out best for parents too".

For some families, the summer of '98 may be a time to rethink the conventional annual exodus. Shorter, more frequent breaks recharge the batteries just as well as longer holidays. Taking a break from each other to pursue individual interests isn't a hanging offence. Two centre holidays could offer a compromise. Above all, a family holiday in summer needs family conferences in spring: "You really need to tackle the expectations because you will both be working from that place," says Freda Roche. "So what do you both want? What kind of holiday will give it to you? Discuss it with the other members of the family. It's important not to feel you have to conform.

"Perhaps you could consider holidays apart, or holidays without the children. None of this is an admission of failure, there's no one right way to holiday, it's about what works for each family."