If, like me, the sum total of your summer sporting activity amounts to power-lifting large glasses of lager in dimly lit hostelries of ill-repute, you'll be delighted to learn that there is a genuinely intoxicating watersport that requires little in the way of expenditure and nothing in the way of skill. I refer to the sport of boogie boarding (or body boarding, as the experts insist), the latest seaside craze that's sweeping our once-decorous nation.
My own conversion took place in west Cork the other weekend. Aimlessly strolling on a beach in a painful and ultimately futile attempt to escape the grainy fug of a smoky hangover, I got chatting to a bunch of English visitors and innocently inquired about the gaily coloured toys they toted, instruments that looked like short, squat surfboards. These, I discovered, were boogie boards and my new-found chums eagerly invited me to have a go.
My response was a wry smile, as if such boyish japes were quite beyond a hearty old soul of 28 summers. Eventually though, I submitted to the jibes and taunts and bravely entered the salty green waters of the sea for the first time since 1991.
An exhilarating five minutes later, I was transformed. I had instantly become expert in the boogieing of boards, a bona fide beach boy. Surfing is my life now.
So how do you do it? Here are the three simple steps to boogie board heaven. 1) Walk into the sea and wait for a wave. 2) As the wave breaks, plop your board on top of it. 3) Lie on board and hang on. You'd be amazed, couchbound reader. You can whizz along for scores of metres, you can steer and weave and merrily bobble. Wheeeeee!
Back at home, some quick research revealed that I am not alone in having been converted to the many and varied delights of boogie boarding. The whole thing started, not altogether surprisingly, in California, where the sun-kissed youths have easy access to glittering beaches and far too much time on their hands. They've been at it for the best part of 20 years but it's only recently that the phenomenon has spread. Various pop stars, among them the Beastie Boys, have been waxing lyrical about the joys of boogie boarding in interviews and word has travelled in hip young circles.
John O'Keefe, manager of the Great Outdoors sports store in Cork, confirms that demand is at an all-time high. As sports equipment goes, boogie boards are cheap and cheerful.
"You can pay up to £70 if you want but you'll certainly pick up something decent for not much more than twenty quid," he says. Be warned though: due to the spectacular growth of the sport, imitation boards are now on sale for as little as a fiver. These tend to be made from polystyrene and are not over-fond of repeated immersion in salt water.
The dedicated boogier (as we style ourselves) can, of course, spend endless dollops of wad on accessories and knick-knacks and gimmicks. An endless array of related products has quickly emerged from the murky depths of consumerism. You could buy a wet suit and an all-weather cover and no end of stuff but it's not strictly neccessary.
Boogie boarding is a wonderfully ubiquitous sport, you can have a go more or less anywhere you find a wave. On most Irish beaches this summer, you'll witness boards being boogied. Naturally, you should be sure to check with the local lifeguards that all is safe and there are no devilish under-currents swirling unseen.
Personally, given that it was the scene of my virgin surf, I'd strongly recommend the beach at Barleycove, around five miles outside Schull. The waves foam generously and the scenery is postcard-pretty: Enid Blyton at her most pastoral would have been hard-pressed to conjure up a cove as charmingly idyllic.
