Beginning a new relationship when you already have children means making a new kind of family. Kitty Holland reports.

The arrival of Christmas soon after James Moloney and Cathy Sweeney began living together made the transition easier, even exciting, for the children they brought to their relationship.

"When we met, 11 years ago, the girls were very young," says Sweeney, who had a four-year-old daughter, Lucy. Moloney had two daughters, eight-year-old Elizabeth and five-year-old Clare, from his marriage.

"On the plus side of our relationship from the beginning," says Sweeney, "was the fact that we were both parents." It cut out the classic difficulty of having to negotiate space with a new, childless partner without causing jealousy. "Obviously, the focus of of our relationship was very child-centred," she continues, smiling over at Moloney.

The children's ages meant there were fewer territory or ego issues than there might have been if they were teenagers, she says. "Also," adds Moloney, "they could see pluses in a 'new' family. It was coming up to Christmas at one point, and they could tell their friends there would be more presents that year, from step-aunts and stepsisters."

The couple, who live in south Co Dublin with Lucy, Clare and the two children they had together - five-year-old Oisín and three-year-old Georgiana - are teachers. Clare has lived with them for two years. Elizabeth lives with her mother.

The Central Statistics Office has never gathered data on "reconstituted" families such as that of Sweeney and Moloney. It may begin to do so in the 2006 Census. Aidan Punch, senior statistician with the CSO, says it would make sense to collect it, given the increases in marriage breakdown and, therefore, "reconstituted" families, which have clear implications for government policy.

The number of divorces granted has risen each year since 1997, when there were 431, to last year's high of 3,775. The number of judicial separations has gone up overall, to 1,855 last year. The annual rate of nullity applications has varied, from a recent low in 1997 of 48 to a high in 2001 of 117. Ninety-three marriages were annulled last year.

What happens about pensions, inheritance and housing, particularly if one partner is unable to get a divorce or annulment from a previous marriage? Sweeney and Moloney's house, for example, is in Sweeney's name only; were it in both, Moloney's wife would have a legal claim on it. And, were Moloney to die, she rather than Sweeney and their children would get his pension.

These difficulties will remain for Moloney and Sweeney even if proposals are implemented to give rights to cohabitants, given that Moloney has not divorced.

"We have tried to have the problems sorted, but, well, things are difficult," he says.

Although the girls could see some pluses at Christmas in their newly extended family, the early years were still difficult.Moloney saw his daughters only at weekends. "On a practical level there was the haul of driving an hour each way to pick them up and doing it all again on Sunday. Then, only having them at the weekend, I was very conscious of being the 'best daddy' in difficult circumstances. I wasn't spoiling them materially, but I might not have challenged them as much as I should have. There was a certain not-wanting-to-rock-the-boat attitude."

Both say it was hard, too, to work out an approach to being a step-parent. Sweeney says: "It is really tough in the beginning stages just to define a role for yourself. I think I took on perhaps too much in those early years."

When Elizabeth and Clare came to stay, for example, she would lay out their clothes each morning and worry about their hair being clean and shiny every day. "I felt a lot of guilt, not only for my daughter, but there was a strong feeling about wanting everything to be right, to be all right, about wanting to sort these kids."

Moloney says he was very conscious that Lucy had a dad already. "There were a lot of conversations about what our roles were," he nods. "We took a decision very early that important decisions regarding Lucy would be Cathy's area while the day-to-day, like doing the dishes and getting homework done, would be for whoever was in charge at that moment."

"We still have very strong guidelines," says Sweeney. "In emotional parenting there is no crossover. If one of the children is troubled or needs emotional guidance or disciplining that is where I would call James in, or he'd call me for Lucy. I do think, though, that they can sometimes offload things on the one who is not their parent, knowing we'll communicate it to each other. I would say I am not a stepmother - I hate that term - but I am a very loving, guiding, caring adult in their lives," she says. Moloney nods in agreement.

A particularly traumatic time for the three girls was when Sweeney became pregnant with Oisín. "They were very upset. There was lots of, 'You're getting the family you've always wanted,' and a real fear of being displaced," says Moloney. "They felt we had managed to develop this family that worked in its own way, and now there was a new kid coming along. They maybe had a vision of Cathy and I cooing over a new baby and not wanting them around any more."

Sweeney says: "I think kids from separated families fear change more than other kids anyway. But the key thing is that they were able to say all this to us, express their fears, and didn't just bottle it all up. We were able to address the fears."

And although, as Sweeney says, a new baby can always be a challenge, particularly when it has colic, the girls did find being blood sisters to their brother a bonding experience.

The parents make particular time for their older children. They make sure the two youngest are in bed by 7.30 p.m., and they try to spend time alone with their own older daughters. So how are they now? Sweeney looks at Moloney. "They are pretty brill, really," she says.

"And I think that's because we just hung in there with them. It was very difficult in the beginning, but we'd keep chatting to them, keep calling them every day for a chat, remembering the important things and doing our best to make sure the background stuff was as good as it could be."

The six of them eat together every evening. At Christmas, as at weekends, Elizabeth will be there too. "They're very independent, strong personalities. People would say they are very mature. But we're all looking forward to Christmas. We're all big soppies for that."

THE 'RECONSTITUTED' FAMILY

It's hard to quantify the number of step-families, although the Central Statistics Office proposes to gather data in Census 2006, given the implications for policy

The main issues

Inheritance, pension and property rights, particularly if one partner is still married

Hugely difficult emotional issues if children are involved