HANDBAGS, pets, cars, even people sometimes go missing - but an entire castle? "An old castle on the outskirts of Ennis disappeared overnight, shocking historians compiling a new survey of protected stone forts," reported the Clare Champion.

Knockanaura Castle, on the Tuila Road near Ennis, was literally there one day and gone the next. The vanishing castle was only the latest in a series of thefts from national heritage sites. "The most puzzling is the mysterious disappearance of three conical stones from the top of an ancient toll gate," the newspaper told us.

If people see strangers loading stones into cars or trucks, then they should contact us," the Garda urged.

A football team nearly had to play in the Leinster Championships without one of its star players when he was accidentally locked into a lavatory, the Kildare Nationalist reported.

The Kildare minor football team had enjoyed a pre game cuppa at the training ground and then boarded the bus for Longford. As they were leaving, team manager Tony Moore saw one of the lavatory windows open, from the inside. Little did he know that Prosperous player Adrian McAndrew had become trapped inside while attending a call of nature.

"Employing much of the escapologist skills he was to put to good use later on the field, McAndrew scrambled through the window and ran for the bus, to the uproarious laughter of his colleagues," said the newspaper. I supposed that's one way to prepare for a match.

The team were soon "flushed with success" when Adrian notched up two vital points against Longford.

Lough Ennell, one of the best trout fishing lakes in Europe, made history last week when 172 rods reeled in the sum total of one fish, reported the Westmeath Examiner.

The anglers were taking part in the Leinster Trout Fly Fishing Championships, which usually yield a catch of 40-50 trout. But the low yield, which was put down to the previous frosty night, "did not stop them enjoying a very successful meal in the Greville Arms Hotel," we were told.

A man charged with assaulting his wife told a court in Tuam that after 30 years of marriage his wife was trying to boss him and he would not have anyone stepping over him, the Connacht Tribune reported.

"It's not my fault," said the defendant, "I tell the truth. I get the blame for everything.

"The trick is not to let her annoys you," Judge John Garavan advised, to which the defendant replied: "If she leaves me alone, I'll leave her alone."

"There is not a man who is not being bossed by his wife. The general rule of mankind is for husbands to be bossed by their wives," said the judge.

"It's all right for you. You are the boss up there," retorted the defendant.

"I am," said the judge, "until I go home."

The defendant's wife told the court that she did not boss her husband and Garda Tom Moyles said that the defendant's wife had learned to stand up for her rights and this had not been accepted by her husband. Judge Garavan fined the defendant £75 and warned him that "if he featured before him again on similar charges it would be serious for him."

THE President, Mrs Robinson, provoked "mild surprise" among Tramore Town Commissioners when she sent them a letter offering to return a gift of Waterford Crystal which they had given her when she visited the resort in 1992, reported the Munster Express.

But that was nothing compared to the shock in Belleek when they saw the "unbelievable" price which a Belleek coffee set fetched at the Jackie Kennedy estate auction in New York. The Fermanagh Herald reported that the 29 piece set, costing £200 and made between 1955 and 1965, fetched £22,500 at Sothebys.

The Donegal Democrat reported that "a Dunfanaghy man is attempting to have a teacher removed from a local national school because he claims he is a non Catholic." Mr Shaun Boyce made the claim at this week's sitting of the Letterkenny Circuit Court when he made an application for an injunction to remove either the teacher or his son from Faugher National School, Dunfannghy.

Judge Matthew Deery warned Mr Boyce that he would be "taking on the State" and that he should "look at that before getting in too deeply".