We hear plenty about festival line-ups and festival fashion but there’s one area that doesn’t get the attention that it deserves: festival bowels.
It doesn’t take long in a portaloo to realise that come day two, everyone is . . . struggling a bit. Between the warm beer, potent cocktails and that extra burrito you had for soakage, your stomach is not a happy camper.
Over the course of a three-day festival, the key things to avoid are vomiting, constipation, the runs, sunburn, pain and dehydration. A voice of reason would tell you to eat more greens, drink less booze, have regular meals and plenty of sleep, but that voice of reason also had a late night, so here’s your quick guide to saving your arse. Literally.
First-aid festival kit basics
A packet of paracetamol will take care of low to mild hangovers, slow headaches or dull the ache from the pulled muscle you acquired from attempting to high-kick in the dance tent.
Baby wipes and hand sanitiser. It all adds up. Stay safe, stay clean.
Even if it’s cloudy or wet, pack the suncream. Sunburn and sunstroke is nobody’s friend and if you’re skipping on water for pints, you’ll wish that you lobbed on the factor-50 as you’re dry-retching into a grotty, overflowing portaloo.
If you’re losing liquids, or want to prevent the nausea that acts as a warning for what’s to come, Dioralyte will help replace the electrolytes that you lost somewhere along the way. The balance between water and powder needs to be precise so if you’re organised, you’ll measure out 200ml of water in a plastic bottle and mark the line with a Sharpie before you even leave the house.
Next-level remedies
Before you even think of having pizza for breakfast, your morning routine should include the bright orange, fizzy goodness of Berocca and a can of ice-cold Coke. The healing properties of a can of Coke are immeasurable (shut up, science).
When you reach a certain age, heartburn, acid reflux and general pukiness are just part and parcel of a hangover. Keep a packet of Rennie and Motillium (the fast-melt kind) on hand at all times. Even if you don’t need them, someone in your vicinity will be in the horrors.
With all of that wanton pollen flying up your nostrils, Piriton is your pal.
Deluxe live-saving supplies
Seasoned sessioners talk about festivals the way farmers talk about the Big Snow of 1982, but listen to them, for they have weathered the storms of Oxegen 2007 and Castlepalooza 2014, where it did not stop raining sideways for a single second.
There comes a point during the weekend when you are running on empty. Dancing all night, fuelled mostly by rum and adrenaline, you are generally a shell of your former self each morning – gaunt in the face and somehow also swollen like a dead fish washed up on the banks of the Liffey. Your life-saver here is the serotonin booster 5-HTP. Available only in health shops in the UK, you’ll have to plan in advance for this one.
With all of the stodgy food you’re consuming to prevent the mother of all hangovers, you too will become a stooge. To avoid this, you have two choices; Fybogel or Milk of Magnesia. Adjust your flower crowns ladies and gents, because it’s time to move your bowels.
- Terms and Conditions: Some humility in the pharmacy is required. Do not consume everything at once.
