Bad busking in Killarney has driven local workers to distraction, so quality control is being imposed. But judging Dublin's street entertainers is a tricky business, writes KEVIN COURTNEY

THEY’RE A FIXTURE on our streets, working in rain or shine (but mostly shine). They pitch up in alcoves, in front of hoardings and shop windows or on strategic corners, strumming Beatles classics, standing like statues for the afternoon or gyrating to ghetto blasters. Many of them no doubt dream that one day they will be spotted by a record-company mogul, and be swept off to play at the O2, but the rest of the time most are just hoping to go home with enough money to buy dinner, a few drinks and perhaps a new E string.

They add colour to a busy street for many of us. But, as they tunelessly bash out the same handful of songs day in and day out, they irritate a lot of us, too – including Killarney Town Council, which is to introduce bylaws to get rid of bad buskers from its streets after complaints from local businesses.

The council insists is not attempting to outlaw busking: it just wants to introduce a bit of quality control to the street-entertainment equation. Councillors described some of the busking as Chinese torture – probably referring to the chap who plays the same tune on the tin whistle every day for six hours at a stretch.

They’re not the first group to take action. In 2006 Clare County Council announced that would-be buskers would have to apply for one of a limited number of licences to perform at the Cliffs of Moher, and were required to play music that reflected the “culture and traditions” of the cliffs. Councillors stopped short of holding auditions, but they met and interviewed 17 candidates, and were “very pleased” with their approach and their “genuine interest”.

And busking can lead to greater things: Glen Hansard, Liam O’Maonlai, Damian Rice, Gemma Hayes, Paddy Casey and Cora Venus Lunny are among the musicians who have paid their dues by busking on Grafton Street.

This writer once regularly bashed out REM, Waterboys and Smiths tunes outside Bewley’s on Grafton Street, trying to make enough cash to finance another night out at the Pink Elephant.

Having often howled The Whole Of the Moon under a freezing January sky, I feel qualified to rate the capital’s buskers. If Dublin City Council is looking for a busker-assessment officer in the near future, I’m up for it.

To see what I might enounter, on a cold January afternoon I set out to scout the talent. My rating system is simple: skill plus entertainment value minus nuisance factor. Let’s see if anyone here has what it takes to go all the way to the top of Grafton Street.

The New Grey Whistle Test How do Grafton Street performers measure up?

Kristian Varga

BRONZE MAN

A Hungarian with an IT degree, Varga has been in Ireland for three years but hasn’t found a job. So he makes his living as a living statue, bronzed up and bolt upright for two or three hours at a time. Amazingly, he enjoys it. “Summertime is better, but I survive.” Silence is part of his act, so there’s less chance of him annoying shop owners. “I never stand right outside a shop doorway or in front of a window display,” he says. It takes him almost an hour to put on the stage paint, then he buses or cycles from his home, in Smithfield, to his spot on Grafton Street. Living statues don’t move me at all, but kids love them, and Varga certainly makes a convincing sculpture: put an Afro on him and he could be the Phil Lynott statue.

Skill5

Entertainment value4

Nuisance factor2

Overall score7

Mutefish

INSTRUMENTAL FIVE-PIECE

Move over Afro Celt Sound System: here's a bunch of up-for-it lads from all corners who play a mix of trad, reggae, ska and whatever you're having yourself. Guitarist Bo is from Poland; percussionist Mark and bassist Tomas are from Lithuania; drummer Peter is from Ukraine; and flute player Daithí is from Dublin. The band met on the street and decided there was strength in numbers. They have pitched up so close to the window of Marks Spencer that they could be a funky display. The manager doesn't seem to mind them there. "A girl came over from Brown Thomas and asked us to play at a 40th birthday," says Daithí. "In the summertime there are so many buskers the gardaí kind of have to move them on, but this time of year there's not many buskers around. We've been here all week, no problem." The band also play regular indoor gigs, which makes up for the quiet days on the street, and there's always a chance someone will purchase a copy of their CD, On Draught. "We mightn't make much money today, but we have a gig tomorrow night which will pay us. ."

Skill7

Entertainment value8

Nuisance factor6

Overall score9

Ben Burns

SOLO SAXOPHONE

A young hepcat from Seattle, Washington, Ben Burns sports dark shades just like his heroes the Blues Brothers. There’s a framed photo of Jake and Elwood in his sax case, serving as a talisman. Burns has been busking in Dublin for three months, and finds the crowds “very accommodating” to his solo jazz-blues stylings. “I think the bar is very high. You get a lot of talent on the street here, which is very encouraging.” On a good day Burns can pull in €30 an hour, but money’s not his main motivation, he says. “I just want other people’s ears to hear what I’m doing.” No problem there: Burns’s sax is so loud it easily drowns out the tin-whistle player who is jostling for the same pitch. I’ve never been a fan of the lone saxophone, but at least Burns stays away from the Kenny G end of the sax spectrum, blowing a range of jazz standards with aplomb. Still, it’s bloody loud. Any shopworker within a 50m radius had better like saxophone music – or find another job. “Occasionally you’ll get a disgruntled shop owner asking you to move, but I’m perfectly within my rights to play on the street.”

Skill8

Entertainment value4

Nuisance factor8

Overall score4

Perpetuum Mobile

INSTRUMENTAL TRIO

"The other two lads came up with the name," says electric guitarist Seán from Dublin as we peruse the cover of their CD. "We were all playing individually on the street, and we'd all just mix and match until we eventually found people we liked playing with." Another multicultural act, this trio includes Peter from Poland on acoustic guitar and Tom from the Czech Republic on double bass. They are all experienced musicians, and have long ago mastered the art of jamming. I doubt if these fellas even need to rehearse. They seem to be able to just pick up a song and run with it. They knock off a hornpipe that sounds like something off Mike Oldfield's Tubular Bells, then follow it up with U2's With or Without You. Because they don't have drums they're less likely to antagonise nearby shopworkers, but, says Seán, pointing at a nearby shop, "We've got to walk on eggshells, especially with that shop over there. The woman in there goes mad. We try to position ourselves so we're not directly facing a shop door or annoying anyone upstairs."

Skill9

Entertainment value7

Nuisance factor3

Overall score13

Niall Donnelly

SOLO ELECTRIC GUITAR

Sixteen-year-old Niall Donnelly from Rathmines is in transition year – and, yes, his mother knows he’s out busking. He plays blues guitar and hopes eventually to be as good as his heroes Jimi Hendrix and Stevie Ray Vaughan. Donnelly says he’s busking for “a laugh” and to save up money to buy a new guitar. He’s having a good day so far: Shane MacGowan of The Pogues has just dropped €15 into his guitar case. That’ll go a little way towards the Gibson. Though he displays a nice, loose-fingered guitar style, he still needs to practise – that blues progression sounds a bit scritchy-scratchy. But Donnelly is pleasantly modest: “I don’t think I’m that good. Like, I’m surprised at the amount of money I have already.” Walking back down the street, 15 minutes later, I’m disappointed to hear he’s still scratching out the same blues progression. He should team up with a school pal who can sing the blues; then they would really rock the street.

Skill5

Entertainment value4

Nuisance factor6

Overall 3