CHRISTMAS MASS:A HUGE PROPORTION of the country is likely to go to church services on Christmas morning, when the priest will raise his arms above the congregation, bow his head and resist the urge to murmur something sarcastic about how nice it is to see everyone for once.
For Catholics, it is a morning on which the priest should resist the urge to go all pre-Vatican II on his congregation. It is not a day to unveil that carefully crafted polemic about single mothers or divorced couples; or to say it all in Latin. Neither is it a morning on which the Mass should last longer than a child's patience - or bladder - can hold out. Although, it's clearly a special day for the Christian churches given the packed houses, so it's only fair if the priest, no doubt in the middle of his busiest time of the year, gets to enjoy the moment.
As for the congregation, children must be fully briefed beforehand not to loudly say such things as: "What's this building, Mammy?"; "Who's that man in the dress?"; and "Look, Daddy's asleep." Gathering outside the church afterwards can prove a risky affair, because it is here that children will inevitably compare notes on what they got from Santa. This offers the potential for a journey home during which the previously delighted offspring are suddenly deflated because they only got a real guitar instead of the pretend one that Johnny got with his copy of Guitar Hero.
Obviously, while many Christians will be at pains to remind everyone of what Christmas is really all about, there will be plenty of non-Christians wanting to indulge in the celebrations themselves. It can be a particularly sticky season for atheists, who positively rail against the spiritual aspect but who don't want to miss out on the whole presents/parties/overfeeding aspect. So, those atheists should keep in mind that even the most famous atheist of them all, Richard Dawkins, does Christmas. (There's an idea for a CD: A Richard Dawkins Christmas. Featuring such classic hits as O Come All Ye Deluded and Hark the Herald Angels Don't Exist.)
Anyway, Dawkins says that he sings the carols just like anybody, even if it's just for the tunes rather than the worship. He thus describes himself a "cultural Christian". It's a phrase atheists can adopt if someone accuses them of double standards.
"An accident of birth has made me a cultural Christian, meaning that I appreciate and enjoy the customs and traditions of Christmas, even if I don't believe in the story of its origins," they can explain. "I would therefore ask you to respect my own Christmas ritual, which is to skip Mass so I can stay at home and watch Willy Wonka for the 27th time."
