LifeFeatures: Forget the madness. Why not make this the year you connect with a deeper set of values and replace mindless materialism with a sense of truewealth? Anna Ross reports.

'Where art thou, Mother Christmas?

I only wish I knew

Why Father should get all the praise

And no one mentions you.

I'll bet you buy the presents

And wrap them large and small

While all the time, that rotten swine

Pretends he's done it all.'

In his ditty, Where Art Thou Mother Christmas?, Roald Dahl gave voice to one of the many frustrations women encounter at this time of year. But rotten swines who sit blithely watching telly, or disappear to the pub, are only the start of it.

What about family and friends who fill up every minute of your downtime? TV ads screaming about the latest "must-have"? Store decorations that have been nagging you to get Christmas shopping since before Hallowe'en?

What about all the things still to be done? Presents to choose and wrap, decorations to fix, parties to host and attend, end-of-year office business to complete - and all on top of the everyday schedule of paid and unpaid work.

No wonder so many women find themselves, as December 25th approaches, overtaken by irritation, resentment or a feeling of being overwhelmed. And disappointed - because that's not how it's meant to be, is it?

Well, no, it isn't. And the good news is that it doesn't have to be that way. Just because every store is a-jingle doesn't mean you have to hum along.

Why not make this the year you connect with a deeper set of values and replace mindless materialism with a sense of true wealth? Wealth in this sense is more than money. It recognises the good that money can do but gives equal value to other currencies, like time, energy and well-being. The key to a happy Christmas (and a happy life!) is knowing what you truly value and using your money and your time to reflect those values. Here's how:

1 Make a list

Don't groan! This is different to all the other lists you're carrying in your head or handbag (supermarket list, card list, present list, drinks list). It is the only list that will give you time and money. List all the traditions you usually engage in at Christmas. Begin with family but look also at friends and work.

2 Visualise

Once your list is fairly comprehensive, take each activity one by one, and imagine yourself doing it. It is important to visualise the reality, not an idealised version.

Note how your body reacts - does the image make you snarl or smile? Feel overjoyed or overwhelmed? Take time over this and be honest.

3 Categorise

On a clean page draw two vertical lines to make three columns and write the following headings: a) Love to Do; b) Must Do and c) Should Do/Always Do. As you visualise each tradition, use your response to place it in one of the three categories.

4 Eliminate

Cross as much as you can off your C list. "The Greek derivation of 'enthusiasm' means 'God within'," says Martha Beck, life coach and author of Find Your Own North Star. "True enthusiasm makes us feel divine, whether we take that as a religious reality or simply a wonderful emotion. You can't force it and faking it is blasphemy." So don't fake it. If it doesn't truly enthuse you, and you don't have to do it, then don't do it.

5 Improve

We cannot always change what has to be done (children must be fed, parents must be acknowledged) but you can always change how you do it. Go to a hotel? Buy pre-cooked? Shop on the Internet? Give donations as gifts?

6 Overcome resistance (yours)

You may find yourself feeling anxious as you contemplate these changes. "This is what I call social dissonance," says Martha Beck. "The conditioned reaction to breaking a group rule. It's the primary force that keeps us obeying the demands of others." But the key to having control over your own life, at Christmas or any other time, is being able to tolerate this "dissonance" without abiding by it.

7 Overcome resistance (theirs)

Expect others to pressurise you to conform. Every group has its own codes of punishment for those who opt out - yelling, backbiting, silence . . . If yours is intolerant of your decisions, you could consider it a licence freeing you to create new traditions with more like-minded people. Alternatively, let them fuss and fume. Be firm but don't over-explain. They'll get over it - and you may even find that your initiative eases the pressure for others.

8 Put yourself on your gift list

Giving to others is the central tenet of Christmas but giving and receiving are two sides of the same coin. True giving comes only from the fullness of having received enough of what we need and so many women are running on empty. So spend some money and time - how much is up to you - giving yourself something this Christmas that adds true value to your life. And make sure everything on your B list is balanced with something on your A list. Once you've satisfied your own deeper needs, you won't have to rally yourself to give to others. Giving will arise naturally within you.

Each demand of the Christmas season is an opportunity to reflect on your choices about how you spend your money, your time, your energy.

So this year, use the celebrations as an opportunity to define your own vision of wealth.

By moving towards what you truly value, you will relax and enjoy genuine peace and goodwill, during the holiday season, and beyond.

Anna Ross is co-author, with Bernie Purcell, of The Woman's Way to Wealth and a founder member of WoW (www.wealthofwomen.com) which works with women to increase the wealth in their lives. For further details, tel: 086-1675272.

Mistletoe and whine Don't go Christmas crackers

My priorities for Christmas are the children and Santa. We usually share Christmas Day with my sister Maeve and my brother-in-law - my turn this year. It takes a lot of pressure off, having to host the day only every second year.

Maeve laughs at me because as soon as dinner is over on Christmas Day, I'll remind her that I'm done for another two years! We keep the meal as simple as possible, no showing-off or culinary experimentation. I usually beg, steal or borrow a pudding, as the idea of boiling things for hours on end freaks me out. (Any offers?) Once multiple nieces and nephews arrived we cut out buying presents for the adults. And I always choose the presents that my sister buys for my children, then give them to her to hand over, and she does the same for me.

Aside from the children, my priority is catching up with people I feel close to. I don't feel obliged to "fit it all in" before Christmas, and will often make plans for catching up in January when a night out is an enjoyment rather than an obligation. But Christmas will always remind me to make contact.

I can't sign off on Christmas without remembering those who have less. In November, a group of mums from my daughter's school organised a charity bag pack. It was a Christmas fund-raiser but we organised it well ahead of the Christmas festivities so it wouldn't come at a stressful time.

For me, Christmas time provides a great sense of occasion and fun. But it is our tradition to close the door on St Stephen's Day and chill out together. A day just for us, with nobody else around. I really look forward to that. - Maura Dolan