GIVE ME A BREAK:WHY CAN'T A woman talk more like a man? Seriously. I mean it. Women placate. They swallow their feelings and take too much on so as not to rock the boat, while secretly seething with resentment. Men look after themselves and don't notice the boat is rocking, while resentment makes them feel, well . . . resentful, writes KATE HOLMQUIST
Consider this exchange that I've borrowed from Himglish & Femalese: Why women don't get why men don't get themby Jean Hannah Edelstein who, her publicists say, is the 2009 answer to Men are from Mars,etc.
“Jonathan: Great news! Elizabeth and Tony can come to our dinner party! Alice: Oh, isn’t it wonderful? So nice of you to take the initiative to invite her, because I always so enjoy spending time with your ex-girlfriend, much as I also find a way to derive a twisted pleasure from going to the dentist. (Himglish translation: You have got to be kidding me.)” The man is just saying it like it is and the woman is chewing bits out of the man without saying “no”, which is what she really wants to say.
I recognise this in myself all the time. Let’s say the bin needs to be taken out. I often do it myself, since I don’t believe in sex stereotyping regarding household chores. I’m likely to say in an overly sweet voice: “It doesn’t bother me at all that I should be sorting out the recycling and loading the dishwasher while simultaneously cooking dinner and putting on another load of laundry. Careful! Don’t bump into the ironing board, dear, you might burn yourself!” Himglish translation: “She’s about to pick up that iron and throw it at me.”
Why not just say: “Please sort the laundry and do some ironing while I cook the dinner. Or, if you’d like to cook the dinner, I’ll sort the laundry and do the ironing. Your choice.” But what if he says: “There’s a match on. I’ll do the laundry and ironing later.” We all know what “later” means.
That’s my version. You’d have to ask Him for his version, which undoubtedly would make me look bad, as he’s a morning person who rattles around the kitchen in the morning until I’m forced by the clanking of dishes to wake up and do a little tidying after his attempts to tidy – which I don’t mind at all, because didn’t he try? After all, I’m a working mother. My job is so much harder. As a working mother I deserve full five-star reinforcement, whatever I do. Can you feel my resentment? I also acknowledge that men are fed up being nagged and manipulated by women who want things done a certain way. She doesn’t like your shirt, or the way you vacuum or forget to change the sheets, so why doesn’t she just say, “I don’t like that shirt. Please vacuum in the corners and change the sheets occasionally.” If she thinks you’re a hygiene hazard in the kitchen, why doesn’t she say: “You’re a hygiene hazard in the kitchen.”
It happens at work too, where the tables are turned. Increasingly, men are very good at speaking Femalese at work. They use women’s own language of avoidance, resentment and manipulation as a defence mechanism.
For example, a Femalese speaker would say: “I had a crazy schedule this week and if I don’t get the weekend off, my husband won’t be speaking to me and the staff really want the bank holiday Monday off, so I need you to deliver your project tomorrow, if you possibly can, no hard feelings.” Himglish speaker will respond (thinking, don’t dump your marriage and staff problems on me): “That means working extra hours. Okay with you if I take next Wednesday afternoon off?” Femalese speaker (thinking: there he goes again, taking advantage of the situation when he must see how hard I’m working when anyone can see he could be working more efficiently): “Wednesday? It’s our busiest afternoon of the week, but you’re so good at your job and I’m so very grateful for your flexibility – go ahead.” What she should have said was: “Your work is due on my desk tomorrow, first thing.”
Successful women use Himglish. They don’t beat around the bush. They say what needs to be done, end of story. Successful men, on the other hand, are adept at Femalese, even with each other. Heard at work from one man to another: “Great shirt. How’s the new baby? I really liked the way you handled that phone call. You were sensitive but also made it clear what you expected.” That was a guy talking to another guy and not the sort of comment you would have heard a few years ago. It’s the sort of exchange you might have heard in a girly environment. Yet men at work these days have no difficulty saying that they’ll be late to work because their child has a doctor’s appointment, whereas women will apologise and turn it into a crisis because only a crisis, not a medical appointment, is enough to get them off work.
Men often express themselves better. They have definitely benefited at work by feminising their language. Women have benefited by masculinising theirs. New voices like Edelstein are really old voices. In uncertain times, we return to the 1950s. It’s more comfortable to feel resentful about the old sex roles than to give a little and realise how far men and women have come in improving their communication.
