It is good to see that the financial markets have not completely panicked following the collapse of the giant Yamaichi Securities Limited. Some readers may not even have heard of YSL until last Monday night. Others may understandably have confused the huge Japanese brokerage firm with the other YSL, the fashion house of Yves Saint Laurent.
The level of financial ignorance among otherwise well-informed people is quite astounding. In particular, few people understand the workings of the crucial Japanese markets and how they impact on the broader world economy. Stand around at any cocktail party and observe how the conversation falters among cultured folk when the subject changes from art to commerce, and especially to the Asian financial markets.
The Yamaichi debacle will undoubtedly come up in party conversation over the next few weeks, and for those who want to be able to contribute some half-intelligent remarks, the following hints will allow you to hold your own.
One of Yamaichi's problems, as Conor O'Clery explained the other day, involved the concealment of enormous debts from Japanese regulators by shifting them from one account to another. Conor informed us that this illegal practice, which protected favoured clients, is known as tobashi.
But tobashi is one of only many such practices common in Asian financial conglomerates. Waikiki, for example, is the secret transfer of large-denomination banknotes to beach economies such as Hawaii, where they are openly laundered by hand on old-fashioned washboards. Bemused tourists observing the ritual presume it is an age-old local custom. (By now it actually is).
Stealeemonee. One of the alltime favourite practices, this relatively simple procedure involves bank insiders removing large amounts of cash in big suitcases and stashing it in their futons. (q.v.)
Tamagotchi. Another very popular practice. This cunning manoeuvre involves the so-called "virtual pets", the tiny computer toys which have become popular with children worldwide being registered as account-holders, and large sums of clients' cash being diverted to them. When children accidentally allow their tamagotchis to die, the money reverts to the bank as there are no next-of-kin or other owners (though some streetwise children are now beginning to retain receipts).
Sayonara! This sophisticated scam involves grabbing as much cash as possible from the bank vault, placing it in a chain-store shopping bag and getting the hell out of the country on the first available flight from Narita Airport.
Neekileeson-sayonara! This variation is named after the famous Barings buccaneer, the youthful hero of the Asian financial community some three years back. The manoeuvre involves grabbing more cash than can be imagined, placing it in about 500 chain-store shopping bags and getting the hell out of the country on the first available flight from Narita Airport.
Fillee Futon. Secreting money within the mattress is a worldwide phenomenon common to all those who have no faith in banking systems. In Japan, those who have least faith in banking systems appear to be senior bank employees, hence the popularity of the futon safe-keeping system among members of the most technologically-advanced nation in the world.
Perl Habur Funnie! Any financial scam which results in American financiers being duped by their Oriental counterparts. Very popular in downtown Osaka.
Karaoke. Oriental bankers feeling uneasy as a result of scam operation are encouraged by superiors to sing out their guilt in noisy nightclubs, where the public confession cannot be heard above the din.
Sushi-house special. This skilful scam involves marinating the customer in such an exotic mix of deals that he doesn't know whether he's being fed or bled. Naturally it's the latter.
Menu B (Two Persons Minimum). Any financial scam which involves the scalping of more than one person at a time.
Harakiri. The encouragement of those in financial difficulties to wind up their affairs at maximum profit to the bank.
Kimono. Any successful cover-up.
