BARBECUE:Light early and often. Late ignition of the barbecue grill mars 95 per cent of Irish outdoor parties, resulting in hungry/drunk/abusive guests and – all too often – food riots.

WEATHER

A retractable roof is the ideal weatherproofing material, but unless you live at the All England Lawn Tennis Club, your outdoor area probably doesn’t have one. Instead, dig out ski suits and winter jackets to keep guests warm after dark, and festival ponchos in case of rain. An adjacent pub is also a distinct advantage.

FOOD

Meat. Meat. Meat. No bean sprouts or cucumbers.

DRINK

Be honest with yourself: there’s a recession on, and a net alcohol gain from your event is a reasonable goal. Put “BYOB” on the invitations. Ply guests with a cheap, tasty, fast-inebriating punch. Place all the good stuff that they bring in an out-of-the-way, possibly lockable, cupboard. Enjoy the summer.

SAFETY

It’s dark. It’s hard to tell if something has been properly cooked. Food poisoning happens. So, at a minimum, have easy access to a job-lot of sick bags (no need to mention this to guests).

Consider asking people to sign a no-prosecute disclaimer on arrival. For those living in the very deep suburbs, or a town that has recently lost its A&E, have a sober teenage relative on hand as a cheap medevac service.

NEIGHBOURS

Invite them, but only at the last minute. This should minimise noise complaints, while making it impossible for most of them to come. However, accept that the people you least want to turn up will do so. Give them a drink, introduce them to another unwelcome guest, and when they finally leave at 6am, bid farewell with the most sincere “Oh I never got talking to you” you can muster.

Illustration: Chris Judge

Words: Conor Goodman