The unresolved anger and pain that follow a family break-up often endanger subsequent relationships, for parents and children alike. A conference this weekend aims to help step-families deal with issues that can stand between them and a second chance of happiness, writes Sylvia Thompson

Second relationships tend to break down at twice the rate of first relationships. This stark statistic comes from Britain, where one in three marriages breaks down. There are no figures on the breakdown of second relationships in Ireland, but marriage counsellors predict that as the figures for divorce and remarriage creep up, the vulnerability of second relationships will come under scrutiny.

'Yours, Mine and Ours', a conference on second relationships and the family in Ireland, in Dublin next Saturday, is, in some ways, a pre-emptive move.

At the conference, Julia Greer, couple counsellor with Relate Northern Ireland, will discuss issues for couples in what are now often described by the professionals as "blended" families. Mourning the loss of their first relationship and understanding why it broke down are the two biggest issues that couples must address to help them have a healthy second relationship, according to Greer.

"Second relationships can become contaminated by what comes before, especially if people haven't worked through the ending process of their first relationship," she says. "They have to mourn the loss of all their hopes and dreams for that relationship and embrace the opportunity that comes with a new relationship. Understanding their own part in the breakdown of their relationship - why they chose the person in the first place, why they couldn't make the relationship work - gives them greater insight. People who have done that work can be very successful in their second relationship and know what they need to do differently themselves."

While sorting out such issues is likely to be crucial for couples in second relationships, the issues that arise around step-parenting are often the ones that are most fraught. Donna Smith is a family therapist, step-parent and author of Step-mothering (Harvester Wheatsheaf, 1990). She will address the conference on step-parenting issues.

"The most important thing to remember for step-parents is to go slowly into the parenting role and not to assume it happens immediately. It can take years, and step-parents must remember that they are a stranger to the child, so time is needed for the person to be accepted," she says. "Step-parents often assume a traditional role immediately, becoming a nurturing mother or a disciplinarian father, but until the child can accept that person, this doesn't work and will become a point of conflict."

In Britain, one in 15 families are step- families and there are some children who experience more than one breakdown. In Ireland, despite the introduction of divorce, we still don't have any figures on the number of step-families. The absence of a question on who is a stepfather, stepmother, stepson or stepdaughter in the forthcoming census in April will not help in building up a picture of the real situation. However, it is interesting to note that 5 to 6 per cent of couples seeking counselling at the Marriage and Relationship Counselling Service are in second relationships. Statistics aside, you just have to look around your family and friends to see that step-families are an increasingly visible aspect of Irish society.

"Step-families have always existed, but the difference now is that both biological parents are alive in many step-families," says Smith. "Perceptions of step-families are changing because they are more talked-about now. In the past, many step-families wanted to hide their identity, to be 'normal', but now we are beginning to accept diversity of family forms and that step-families are just one form and, even within that, there is diversity.

"What we need to do is normalise what a well-functioning family can be and this will have a positive effect on step-families. And when there is quite a degree of open communication in the family - without being super- critical of others within the family - that family will proceed more successfully."

Smith believes that the myth of the evil step-mother makes stepmothers particularly vulnerable to misunderstandings. "I interviewed 30 stepmothers for my book and every one of them felt that image hanging over them," she says.

Smith adds that women often feel abandoned by their partner when his children arrive. "Some men become indifferent to their partner in this situation and can expect them to take over the mothering role - sometimes without any experience of it - while he gets on with his weekend activities."

Claire Missen is the co-ordinator of Teen Between, a counselling service for the over-12s run by the Marriage and Relationship Counselling Service in the Republic. "In Britain, there is a higher rate of breakdown of second marriages within the first two years, and accommodating the complexity of children from different families tends to cause the breakdown at this early stage. But if they survive this crisis bit, they tend to be more enduring relationships," she says.

She believes that making step-families aware of difficulties will help prevent second relationships breaking up. "It takes about two years to find the normal order," she says.

THE legality of remarriage for couples in second relationships in Ireland now doesn't necessarily make the process any easier. "Lots of people living in long-term second relationships were slow to get a divorce because they felt the process of getting a divorce would stir up old hurts. They were concerned that these unresolved issues would affect their second relationship. But once they got through the divorce stage, getting married became the joyful part," Missen says.

From the evidence of her work with Teen Between, Missen says teenagers' problems often spring from the fact that a parent has introduced a new partner in a way that isn't sensitive to them. For example, there can be problems when a mother introduces her new partner to her children and then, within a week, allows him to move into their house.

"Also, when parents break up, one of them can make tremendous promises that they would never leave the children or never do what the other parent did. These are promises which should never be made because the children will believe them and, when things change, they will resent this," says Missen.

"We often hear parents saying 'why can't my children be happy for me?', but the children say: 'Why should I be happy?' "

Missen advises parents to keep their children informed and to be patient with them when new relationships are formed.

"It might be a second chance for the adult, but it is not necessarily a second chance for the child," she says. "The children may also have divided loyalties if one parent meets a new partner and the other is living alone unhappily. Their fantasy of mum and dad getting back together again is ruined at this point."

'Yours, Mine and Ours', a conference on second relationships and the family, organised by the Church of Ireland Marriage Council, takes place at All Hallows College, Gracepark Road, Drumcondra, Dublin 9 on Saturday, February 16th from 10 a.m. to 4.15 p.m. Conference fee: €30. To book, telephone 01-4978422.