Given that more singles and albums are sold over these few weeks than any other time of the year, you would think that someone, somewhere would have their finger on the quality control button. Is it that people think they can get away with releasing the most egregious nonsense, knowing that a few demented consumers are going to buy it anyway?
The hall of seasonal shame is quite something: you can start with that weirdly sinister Mr Blobby thing and work your way down/up to what is officially the worst song ever released - ever, namely The Idols with Happy Xmas (War Is Over).
The worst thing about it was it came with no advance warning. A bunch of cretinous, tone-deaf 12-year-olds just surfaced, like seals during the clubbing season, wittering on about peace and love and stuff. At least with someone like Cliff, it's a familiar type of torture - you know that when you see his strange unmoving hair and plastic face you're just going to get some tuneless, sanctimonious drivel.
Things can only get worse with the news that a quasi-scientific study has been carried out to determine the exact formula behind the ultimate Christmas song. David Roberts, editor of the British Hit Singles and Albums book, has carried out a detailed analysis of Christmas songs to discover similar threads.
"There are common musical elements linking nearly all the big Christmas No 1s of recent times," says Roberts. "The recipe includes a reference to Father Christmas, sleigh bells, a children's choir and a charity element. The song should also include 'Christmas' in the title, wishes for peace on earth, and lots of airplay at office parties".
A prank group, called Moped, were enlisted to create a Christmas single adhering strictly to the above formula. Even though their song, Gonna Have a No 1 This Christmas, hasn't made much of an impression, here are the beginnings of a popular revolt against seasonal musical fare.
In the vanguard of this demotic movement is Manchester Airport (you have to start somewhere). Bosses at the airport banned Slade's Merry Xmas Everybody from the building after canvassing opinion among 1,200 people about how to improve their holiday service. The fact that they picked on one of the few good songs around is irrelevant for the moment.
"We carried out a serious survey among people using the airport at this time of year," says an airport spokesman, "and one of the most overwhelming responses we got was that a lot of people didn't want to hear this song - people were saying it was 'unpopular' and 'outdated', so we're not playing it."
To make matters worse for Noddy Holder, he only lives a few miles away from the airport (he has a show on the city's Piccadilly radio station) and will be most probably using it over the next few days. "We know Noddy lives locally, but we hope he won't be offended," says the spokesman.
The Slade song is the third most-played festive song in the UK. It has sold over one million copies and spent 39 weeks on the charts.
The whole operation at the airport was taken so seriously, it was called "Project Noël." "We are constantly striving to improve the surroundings for our passengers and unfortunately we simply could not ignore their concerns over the Slade song," explains the spokesperson. "We stress it's nothing personal against Noddy."
What's bizarre here is that the airport will still be playing Shakin Stevens's Merry Christmas Everyone, Cliff's Mistletoe and Wine and A Wombling Merry Christmas by The Wombles.
Even allowing for the fact that the airport is allowing The Wombles over a great glam rock band, the initiative is still to be applauded and encouraged in its spread. Let the bans begin.
