Award yourself 10 points for spotting each of the following over the weekend:

THE LAD WITH THE TRICOLOUR

There will always be at least one eejit who brings a tricolour to Punchestown to throw it onstage in the bizarre belief that Brandon Flowers or one of the Kings of Leon will pick it up and start an “olé-olé-olé” chant.

THE SECURITY MAN ON A MAD BUZZ IN THE DANCE TENT

He’ll be the only one in the place doing the big-fish- little-fish dance to Tiga.

THE CIVIL SERVANT

To be found inspecting chip vans to make sure the proprietors are VAT-compliant.

THE ROADIE

He’ll spend the weekend walking around looking important while clutching the biggest Maglite you’ll ever see and a bunch of keys. Conversation over the weekend will comprise solely of “one-two, one-two, one-two”.

THE FESTIVAL VETERAN

Will be wearing a faded Féile ’90 T-shirt (those Fruit of the Loom tees are hard-wearing yokes) and mumbling that Lady Gaga is not as good as Wendy James.

THE JOURNALIST

Hard-working, diligent, stressed and under-the-cosh: you really don’t think we go to these things to party, do you?

THE UNDERCOVER GARDA

He will attempt to blend in by wearing a Gant top, Wrangler jeans and New York Yankees baseball cap. Will turn any casual conversation around to drugs within 30 seconds.

THE LOCAL BAND

They will spend the weekend walking around the racecourse desperate to be recognised by anyone. Will wear sunglasses even when it’s pelting down to preserve rock’n’roll mystique.

WATERFORD BIKER

Once ubiquitous on the Irish festival scene, these hairy dudes have sadly become as rare as a decent tune from U2, though some may be spotted getting on down to The Answer.

Jim Carroll