Many people are still confused about the new consensus in Northern Ireland. The main points are explained here in simple language, as are the changes for the various North/ South institutions.
The Assembly. This will be held in a very large new school hall in Limavady, Monday to Friday at 8.45 a.m. Roll-call will be followed by a short interdenominational prayer. Latecomers and absentees will have their names taken and will be given a good ticking-off.
Decommissioning. All hurleys and baseball bats to be handed in at the CIE Lost Property office in Marlborough Street prior to the next Feis Cheoil. North-South Bodies. Entries are now invited from competitors, male and female, over the age of 21. Former Rose of Tralee winners and their escorts are excluded. There will be no swimwear section. The competition will take place on a county basis, followed by regional finals and the All-Ireland final. The 32 best bodies (county winners) will tour the entire island for the year.
Strand One. By a clear majority, Portrush; closely followed by strands two and three, Ballybunion and Inch.
Articles 2 and 3: The New Wording. Every man, woman and child in the entire country will be invited to make individual submissions, with the winner to be picked by President McAleese.Neither Article should have less than eleven subordinate clauses, and the phrases "hand of friendship" and "nice people everywhere" must be included.
The Clinton Input. Washington remains five hours behind Belfast. Council of the Isles. The Saltees, the Aran Islands, Rathlin, Lambay Island, Craggy Island and the Maharees are to be deemed outside the national jurisdiction and will have their own government, constitution, police force and pub opening hours. That is to say, the status quo is given official approval. The Mitchell principles. Shape up or ship out. Do it now. No fudge. Older men with much younger wives and new babies to get home to cannot hang about. The Fianna Principles. The same as the Mitchell Principles, agus neart do reir ar mbriathar.
Duty-free Shopping. Until one of the new Implementation Bodies ushers in the euro, wine and beer prices in Northern Ireland will be 20 per cent less than in the Republic, notwithstanding the strength of sterling. But hard liquor will cost less in Dublin. Decision-making in Northern Ireland: the Women's Input. There will be no dilution, none being possible.
Ian Paisley. Sorry? Sorry.
The Glens of Antrim, the Mountains of Mourne, the Lonely Hills of Upton. No one county will henceforth be allowed lay claim to physical elements of the expanded national territory. As a peripheral, stunted and "Fairly Hopeless" region, Clare has however been allowed a derogation for the Cliffs of Moher.
The Paula Jones Factor. There is no Paula Jones factor in Northern Ireland. Not now, not ever.
Zero Sum Game. Set to take over from poker, whist and twenty-five as the pan-national game of choice. Draft Documents. All Southerners over the age of 18 will be required to serve a two-year stint of friendship duty in Northern Ireland, billeted on selected families. Draft-dodgers will be Diplock court-martialled. Language Difficulties. Primary schools in the South will teach the different meanings of simple words like "wee" and "no" and "wain". Northerners will learn to, or at least try to, distinguish between Southern gombeen men, cool operators, quick-buck merchants, cute hoors and bankers.
Mountain Retreat. A reference to the Unionist back-down on the Mountains of Mourne issue (see above).
The Crown Bar, Belfast. To be twinned with Mulligans of Poolbeg Street.
The Marching Season. The Dublin St. Patrick's Day Parade will transfer to the Garvaghy Road, the 12th of July will become a pan-national holiday, the Wolfe Tones will give an annual concert on the Shankill Road and Orangemen will be invited to an August weekend walkabout at Bodenstown.
