This morning, for people who remain nervous about their first big adventure in share-buying, we open our post-mortem on the Telecom Eireann flotation.

So, was I right to apply for shares in Telecom?

Oh, probably. When hundreds of thousands of Irish people, most of whom know absolutely nothing about dealing in stocks and shares, or the future for the telecommunications industry, or the vagaries of international markets, all decide they can make a quick buck, there is surely no reason why you should not be among them.

Pardon my ignorance, but who owned Telecom Eireann before it was privatised?

The people of Ireland.

And afterwards?

The people of Ireland.

How many shares am I likely to get?

At this moment, Mary O'Rourke, the Minister for Public Enterprise, is in her counting-house, counting out your money, having a cup of tea and poring over applications. Your allocation depends on (a) who you voted for in the local elections, (b) whether or not your phone has ever been cut off, (c) your attitude to Esat Digifone and (c) where you stand on the clerical celibacy issue.

If we are all on a gravy train surely we will all get some gravy?

Quite clearly you have not travelled by Irish Rail recently. Their catering standards still leave much to be desired. And as an investment guideline it is advisable when approaching your station to move towards the front of the train if you want to step directly on to the platform. We in the investment business cannot speak clearer than that.

When will I be able to sell the shares?

Irish stockbrokers are organising a special car boot sale in the Phoenix Park in late July. You can also advertise in Buy & Sell, the Big Issues and on the Tesco supermarket noticeboards all over the country. Internationally, sales are being handled by Sherry FitzGerald, who have spare capacity in the summer months.

What's the difference between an investor, a speculator, a get-rich-quick merchant and a complete chancer?

None that we are aware of.

Should I be concerned at the recent interest rate increase made by the US Federal Reserve council?

No, no. A lot of nonsense is talked about our "vulnerability" to international interest rates, the price of coffee, the depletion of the rain forests and so on, but sure anything with "Eireann" in its name, e.g. Bus Eireann, can't go wrong, can't go wrong, can't go wrong.

What about reports of a pricing rift?

Mere gossip put about by Telecom's rivals and eagerly served up by financial journalists who are jealous because their ethics policy precludes them from buying Telecom shares themselves.

A friend of mine bought shares in the recent much-hyped Deutsche Telekom offer, sold them at the end of the first day of trading when they had risen by all of 2 per cent, and found that after expenses, and not counting his time, he is now £1.47 better off. Is this what is meant by investing?

You are learning very fast.

I'm worried, because when I filled in my application form -

Don't tell me: you left out the sorting code on the direct debit mandate in Section F. Not to worry. Mary O'Rourke knows your sorting code, and everyone else's, and is filling in the missing ones as fast as she can. There may be a small charge.

What happens to those of us who have made multiple applications?

Officially, all these applications will be declared null and void. Unofficially, the names are handed over to selected banks and finance companies, who will shortly be writing to you with other interesting investment opportunities. You may also expect to hear from the Revenue Commissioners.

How was the flotation price set?

How long is a piece of string? Stands the clock at ten to three? And is there honey still for tea? After much negotiation, the level was pegged with reference to the probable price of the pint on the eve of the millennium, but we are talking here about median prices, maybe what you might pay in Crossmolina, or Easkey, and not in Dublin's Fitzwilliam Hotel.

This is not strictly relevant to the Telecom offer, but why is there only one Monopolies Commission?

Only Screaming Lord Sutch could have provided a satisfactory answer to his own insightful question, and unfortunately he died very recently.