The British public have again been voting for their favourite new modern Christmas cracker jokes as part of a competition by UKTV’s comedy channel Gold. We thought we would have a go at some Irish ones, but be warned: some of them are so bad, they’re not even good. Maybe you could do better.
Here’s our top 20:
1. Which Minister has been left red-faced by some of his decisions? Shame Ross.
2. What outspoken TD is planning to bring out her own regular newsletter? The Clare Daily.
3. Which new TD and Minister of State is the Dail’s shrewdest operator? Sean Canny.
4. What would the Anti-Austerity Alliance-People Before Profit alliance be if it lost one of its stars? Ruthless.
5. Where do Sinn Fein TDs love to go for lunch? (Mary Lou) McDonald’s.
6. What is President Michael D Higgins not afraid to do to politicians? Give them a kick in the Aras.
7. Who is RTE’s hottest TV presenter? Claire Burn.
8. And who is RTE’s coldest TV presenter? Marty More-icy.
9. What did the Irish skeleton get from his boss each December? A Christmas bone-us.
10. What has replaced the potato as Ireland’s most lucrative food? Apple.
11. What happens to Enda Kenny if Micheal Martin makes him a nice cuppa? A tea shock.
12. What do you call loads and loads of Irish people on Christmas Eve? Midnight masses.
13. Which organisation has been flooded with complaints since it was set up? Irish Water.
14. Who always gets really upset on the Late Late Toy Show? Cryin’ Tubridy.
15. What animals does Santa Claus use when delivering presents to Ireland? Rain deer.
16. What subject is Arlene Foster sick of talking about? The bored-her.
17. Which Irish boxer is good at stitching up her opponents? Katie Tailor.
18. And what do various other Irish fighters always get for Christmas? Selection boxes.
19. What did the Scottish-American golfer say to Donald Trump when he pleaded for his vote in Clare? Doonbeg.
20. Why didn’t Martin O’Neill take the assistant manager job for himself? He wasn’t Keane.
And finally what did the late great comedian Frank Carson say at Christmas dinner each and every year? Yip! “It’s a cracker.”
Do you think you could do better? Well, you definitely couldn’t do much worse. Add your own original Irish Christmas cracker joke to the comment section below.
Garvan Grant is author of The Trueish History of Ireland
