Three generations of women with three very different lives discuss what has changed in their expectations and desires, and what has stayed the same, writes Kate Holmquist

Three women. Three generations. Three interesting lives. There's an electricity around the table as they share their experiences over coffee, tea and diet soda.

Gillian Smyth is going through the noughties phenomenon of the midlife crisis at the age of 24. Deirdre O'Hara has just ended her marriage in the UK to return to Ireland and start a new life at the age of 39 - "before it's too late". Marita Conlon McKenna has recently become a first-time grandmother at the age of 51, having married at 20 and seen people she loved through illness and, sometimes, death. They haven't met before - unless you count the fact that Gillian read, and loved, Marita's books when she was in school.

Like so many wild geese in the 1980s, Deirdre went to Saudi Arabia as a nurse in her early 20s and managed operating theatres in military hospitals for five years. That's where she met her English husband, who brought her to Northumberland, a place where she always felt different, never "at home". After 10 years of marriage, she thought, "I don't want to be here when I'm 45. Friction and tension and that sort of thing."

The realisation that she had to change her life came quickly after the deaths of her father and her favourite aunt, then: "I met somebody at my sister's wedding in August and he said, 'You sound like you're really unhappy, soon you'll be 45, it's a lot harder for women than it is for men. What are you doing? You're wasting your life.' "

On her way back to Dublin, a song lyric came on the radio: "I'm going home". Deirdre saw it as confirmation of the relief she felt. "I can be myself now . . . I'm 40 next April and I thought, go, live your life, don't be living your life according to others' desires and wishes."

Marita married at the age of 20 - more than 30 years ago - and has never had a moment's doubt. She went straight from secondary school to the workplace (her adoptive parents were elderly, her father unwell, and they couldn't afford to pay for a university education). At that time, there were three careers for intelligent young women: the blood transfusion board; Aer Lingus; and the bank. Marita was offered all three.

Her mother didn't want her going off on planes, in case her father died, or travelling around the country with the blood transfusion board, so she went for the bank. She had never seen a computer in her life before her first day on the job in Cabinteely, but she was introduced to computer cards, shift-work and an environment without daylight. "I thought I was on the moon. I thought, I can't stay here." She applied for a transfer to Bank of Ireland College Green on her first day. "Just flippin' go," was her attitude. Soon afterwards she married, began writing full-time and has never looked back.

Gillian, nearly 30 years younger, struggles with her desire to let go of the career lifestyle. "People talk about the mid-20s crisis, and I don't know if there's any more pressure on people now than there was 10, 15 years ago. People make their decisions in secondary school and that's it. I always wanted to go into media. I did print, then radio and now I'm in TV and none of it floated my boat. I could go back to college and qualify for something else, but by the time I finished I'd be 30 and I don't know if I want to do that either, so it's a bit scary. I just need to take a little bit of time after I finish this job; I need to take a step back to see what I really want to do . . . I always wanted to write or to teach but it's going to be really hard to take a really different direction."

Marita tells Gillian that she believes in finding what you really love and sticking with it. "I fell into writing when I was young, and all through different stages in my life my writing has been my rock and I've held on to it. No matter what was going on - one of my daughters was two years going in and out of hospital and my parents were elderly, I experienced a parent dying and I got cancer myself - writing was always my thing and I held on to that. I go by instinct, instinct has guided me an awful lot. Sometimes you look back and regret it, but my instinct has guided me quite well. At 18 and 19, I was going to be a translator and that probably would have driven me off my trolley.

"I'm probably lucky that marriage intervened. Sometimes I think there are paths in front of you and you have to decide, which path will I take? My daughter's generation are all lawyers and accountants and you hear them say, 'I hate this job and I don't want to do it any more.' Now, you go to college and you're channelled down a road and to leave it you have to go down another road again and come back up . . . in my day, you could walk into a job and after a week, say 'I don't want to do this anymore.' We didn't have bloody CVs so it didn't really matter. Two years on your CV is a long time in a person's life to be not that happy."

DEIRDRE AGREES THAT life is wasted on pursuits you don't enjoy. "I did that, spending two years running a building company and I hated it because I love people. That's what feeds my soul."

Gillian wonders if breaking free is really possible. "It's just so hard, though, when you have invested so much and you've spent so long working your way up from the very bottom."

Marita thinks that Gillian should stop worrying. "You just get on that computer and start writing, even if it's only two hours here and there. All the experience you've had up till now will stand to you. You have enough courses and qualifications and experience and learning."

Deirdre agrees: "That experience will stand you in good stead. When I was back here at Christmas I got five job offers in varied areas and I realised that if I hadn't moved away, I wouldn't have had the experiences."

Gillian admits that she is a risk-taker, deep down: "I've done a lot of different jobs, even for my age. When I was 13, I got a part-time job. Later, I went to South Africa and spent time up the side of a mountain volunteering in a monkey sanctuary for four months. That was my favourite job . . . I had only been convincing myself that the other jobs I was doing were right for me. I was happier sitting there with a monkey in my lap than I was in an office, do you know what I mean? I have a certificate and a diploma, but not a degree. Sometimes I wish I'd gone that extra year and got a degree, but I don't see why you should be qualified just because you have a degree." She adds that some of her women friends have degrees and careers that mean everything to them, but that's not her.

Deirdre reassures her that she should take risks: "When you actually get to talk to people and they hear about your experiences, it's not your qualifications that matter. What's meant for you doesn't pass you by. My Mum has this great saying: 'If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans.' "

Gillian says she is ready to take the risk in the short-term. "I'm hoping in September to volunteer again in the monkey sanctuary - I just adore monkeys. It's not a full-time job, you can do it for a few months, but then you have to come back here eventually. I have loans I have to pay off."

Marita thinks that Gillian is actually pursuing a career without realising it: "Obviously animals are a big thing for you, plus your experience in radio, TV and writing. So what you have to do is find something that brings together all your talents and interests. Maybe a combination of your two loves - animals and communication."

Marita's encouraging response has inspired Gillian. "If I don't do it now, I'll never do it."

I ask Gillian if she thinks she's unusual for her age group in the extent of her dissatisfaction with the traditional career path and her desire for adventure.

"No, absolutely not. I know so many people who have gone to college and got their degree and just hate what they're doing." Then she says to Marita and Deirdre, "The advice you're giving is the opposite of what I'm getting. A lot of my friends have mortgages, and they're married or planning to get married. They owe 10 or 20 grand just because they want to have a wedding. It's madness! Ten or 20 grand just because you want to have a day in a white dress. If at the age of 27 or 28 you want to get out of your job, you can't get out of it because you're going to have to pay your mortgage one way or another."

Deirdre thinks that today's 20-somethings are trapped, compared to her generation in their early 20s. "I have friends with teenagers and they are so stressed out, having to do well to get such and such a degree. They're too young to know what they want to do."

GILLIAN'S MOTHER TAUGHT her that girls should be secretaries, teachers or nurses. "There still is something in your brain, as a girl, that you have to have a career, I think that's still a perception. [My mother] got offered a position in a newspaper as a journalist, got a job as an intern and her mam said she couldn't do it so she went off as a secretary. So she always had this thing in her head that, 'I wish I had gone and done it anyway.' She just did as she was told."

But Gillian's mother didn't pressure her to live out a mother's dreams. "She said, do what you want to do. I do see a lot of other girls that would be under a lot of pressure to go and get ahead in their careers, both from parents and boyfriends and other girls."

Deirdre thinks that women are under more pressure than men to succeed. "Some women, I think, become alpha females. Where's your femininity and your softness? You've lost that, you're trying so hard to be competitive. You can get the same result without losing your softness. Men don't actually like power-dressing. I knew so many women so desperate to make something of themselves, so anxious to get ahead, where fellas aren't like that."

Marita married at 20 and Deirdre at 24. Deirdre's young marriage didn't work while Marita still believes in first loves.

"Relationships are not progressing like they did when I was young. Young people don't have the idea of creating a life together, they draw back at the last minute from that. It's horrific for people, quite hurtful and damaging to have two or three of these break-ups when they are quite young. Grab your first passion - I'm a great believer in that. I think you should always marry the person you are passionate about."

Gillian is in no rush to marry or have children, but she's happy in her relationship. "My boyfriend and I - if it's not broken don't fix it. You don't have to get married until way past your 30s. People are afraid to be single now. People think there's something wrong with you because you don't have a boyfriend."

Marita, who has three daughters in their 20s, says: "I would not be able for it now, I'd have my heart broken so much I'd be a basket case."

Deirdre says: "Being single - I can't wait! It will be very different, because I was always in long-term relationships. It's a very interesting time ahead because I will discover myself as an individual rather than always taking my partner's desires and wishes into account. I'll have to watch myself that I don't dive into another relationship. I'm wary of making the same mistakes again. I want to give myself some space but I'm up for a bit of fun."

Gillian wants to see Deirdre finding happiness. "People see break-ups as a bad thing, but not always. Relationships break up for a reason." Then, when Deirdre admits that she is nervous about "dating", if such a thing still exists, Gillian advises Deirdre always to go out socialising with other women. The buddy system is the way to survive these days.

Marita sets more store by Deirdre's own wisdom about men, after her 39 years of experience. "It's like you've done the Fás course, and now you know."

Deirdre says, "People aren't perfect. I'm not perfect. We're here to learn, aren't we?" Marita answers, "You are going to attract people to you, because life is shining out of you, there's no bitterness or misery about you." Deirdre and Gillian's stories are like the opening chapters of books, Marita remarks.

"Women have a strength that keeps them going and you have to teach your children that strength too. Everyone else thinks that everyone else's generation is different, but I think it's probably the same problems, stresses and strains."

The advice you're giving me is the opposite of what I'm getting. A lot of my friends have mortgages, and they're married or plan to get married