What has happened to our Jedward? Where once they were Ireland's favourite sons, who we kept under the national stairs, occasionally dragging them out for a Eurovision entry, now the translucent twins have turned sour and are spoiling for a fight. The wooden toys want to be real boys and are using an appearance on Celebrity Coach Trip to launch their new attitudes.
As they leap up the steps of the "celebrity" coach filled with illustrious folk such as Mutya Sugababe and Paisley Billings (the receptionist from Tattoo Fixers), all hoping to head to Benidorm, the driver slumps lower into his seat, head in hands, resigned to the fate of steering this carriage of doom to its destination. The twins waste no time in collecting enemies, launching a tirade of abuse against their old Celebrity Big Brother adversary, dancer James Jordan, who John-Jedward immediately refers to as a "manipulative snake" before asking if Jordan's wife, Ola, is his mistress. Which all happens before the pair have even located their seats.
It's like watching beloved children's television puppets swearing. It's difficult to equate this plastic Gallagher brothers version of Jedward with the excitable puppy behaviour we're used to. Moving on from Jordan and his wife, they begin to snipe at a bemused Billings and her actor friend Danielle Vitalis, with John-Jedward suggesting Danielle "should be happy even being on the coach" because he didn't have a clue who she was – as if the calibre of celebrity had increased to Beyoncé levels by their very presence. I doubt this is what beleaguered tour guide Brendan Sheerin was expecting from the normally smiley duo. Their confrontational attitude, testing boundaries for the sake of the cameras, makes tiresome viewing and is the antithesis of their old good-natured giddiness. It's as if someone stuck a leather jacket on candyfloss.
The others
While the 26-year-old twins go through delayed adolescence, disgraced Celebrity Big Brother contestant and soap actor Roxanne Pallett is desperately trying the opposite tactic. This is her first TV appearance since being dubbed the "most hated woman in Britain" after accusing Coronation Street actor Ryan Thomas of deliberately punching her. She is intent on making a good impression. This includes over-egging her sweetness and hoping for redemption by buzzing around the tight-knit travellers, quizzing them about their issues with each other, much to everyone's visible annoyance.
Such is the virulent nature of the show, ex-Geordie Shore loudmouth Charlotte Crosby can now appear to be the voice of reason. Growing discernibly upset as her boyfriend, Josh, tells her that "part of Jedward is an idiot" – referring to them as if they are one amorphous peroxide blob – she asks him to back off. Later she attempts to reason with Edward-Jedward, asking him to get his more volatile brother to calm down before the scarily confined space turns into Celebrity Massacre on Wheels.
Doubly obnoxious
Instead of dialling things down, Jedward, in a strangely admirable display, decide to be even more obnoxious, treating an afternoon of swimming as if it’s a mid-1990s boyband video. Standing astride the tiny boat, shirts billowing in the breeze, dancing to the music in their heads, they continuously mug for the camera as the rest of the celebrities grit their teeth and pretend to ignore them, quietly seething as their airtime is reduced. Jedward remain utterly oblivious – or do they? There is something delicious about how the very presence of the twosome irritates the others, with Danielle complaining that it’s draining to even have to endure listening to their constant wittering.
Jedward should know by now that they are most divisive when they are being themselves and there is no need for the pathetic display of machismo, no need to “square up” to Josh like teens fighting outside a takeaway, when all they need to do is just be near him.
“Josh didn’t say too much, but he couldn’t escape that boat,” they later giggle with mischievous glints in their eyes. The twins may not survive, but they will ensure that the rest of the celebrity coach trippers will continue their journey suffering from Jedward PTSD.
