E4's latest reality show/situationist prank is Five Star Hotel, where "ace faces" from The Only Way Is Essex, Geordie Shore and Made in Chelsea are tasked with manning a fancy hotel, which has real guests (made up of would-be reality stars and Instagram models, natch) and is located on the Greek isle of Ios.
Barely a concept, the show is just another way for the scheming semi-celebs to fill their days between Romford nightclub appearances and waiting for the latest social media sponsorship cheque to come in. This is hardly the Ritz of reality telly, with the show operating at Poundstretcher budget levels – the end credits even thank a cosmetic dentalwork company.
Featuring the now-obligatory, distracting comedic commentary – this time provided by Russell Kane who, instead of adding a few droll quips to accentuate the ridiculous goings-on (like Love Island's Ian Stirling), manages to shout over the dialogue with his self-important punchlines, a comedy trombone noise blasting all over the natural laughs that reality TV manages to yield. The beauty in the best reality TVy is when the audience discover moments of hilarity themselves, creating the character they grow to love rather than being spoon-fed ready-made snark, cementing preconceived notions.
It's as if Bright is starring in a parallel show where she is aiming to win a VIP trip to Magaluf for being the best holiday rep
Although pouting party girl Holly Hagan from Geordie Shore and lecherous ex-footballer/walking batterburger/full-time nightmare Ashley Cain don't really help matters. Both act utterly according to type, knocking back shots and sizing up the hotel's residents like hormonal velociraptors, as if the cautionary tales and mysterious rashes of Ibiza Uncovered never happened. It's left up to the reality veterans to show them how to earn those extra stars.
Dose of class
A beguiling mix of David Brent and Phillip Schofield, the familiar face of Made in Chelsea's quintessential cad Spencer Matthews gives the crass cheapness of the show a much-needed dose of class. Entrusted with being the hotel's manager, he is teamed up with prat Joey Essex who is filling the role of bellboy. The pairing is not quite as Basil Fawlty and Manuel as one would assume (even though it takes Essex 40 minutes to find the guests rooms in the relatively tiny hotel). Essex's playfully mocking, streetwise attitude gets the better of the usually slick Chelsea boy.
Their respective posts cast them at odds, with the ex-Towie star occupying the role of unruly joker and Matthews reduced to the dry straight man. At times it feels like watching the school prefect being preyed upon by the cocky classmate. Essex repeatedly refers to Matthews as a "receptionist", asks does he know what the term "winging it" actually means, and refuses to remove his giant Versace sunglasses, leaving the usually unflappable socialite stammering and looking slightly unsure of himself – the deck shoe dilettante defeated by the Del Boy bellboy.
Mistaken belief
Then there's other Towie alum Lydia Bright, who is under the mistaken belief that she is genuinely working in a hotel. The others may mock Matthews for playing up his stuffy side but, whilst he's busy winking at the camera, Bright is frantically clearing plates and checking sun loungers.
While the perma-tanned performing seal Essex is obliviously executing handstands and tumbles up and down the poolside, Bright is rising early to take breakfast orders, manhandling the coffee machine, and earnestly worrying about the guests’ holidays and their opinions of her. It’s as if she’s starring in a parallel show where she is aiming to win a VIP trip to Magaluf for being the best holiday rep.
Perhaps Bright is cleverer than we think, concentrating on a career change, planning an escape from the day-to-day wheeler-dealer antics that go into being a viable reality show fave who must cling on to their dubious star status by jumping from one ill-conceived show to the next, and being a brand ambassador for everything from mouthwash for pets to fruit-scented suppositories.
This fame-hungry Fawlty Towers may be her return to the normality that supposed “reality” just cannot offer.
