"Winter not coming. Fake news. Sad," is, I imagine, what Cersei Lannister would tweet at Jon Snow, the so-called King of the North, if Twitter existed in Game of Thrones and not just raven-mail.
We’re on the home stretch now, a short penultimate seventh season before a final eighth season next year, when it’ll all be over bar the five proposed spin-off prequels (seriously). And of course, your fan fiction, which I’ve read and which is excellent.
We’re also in literarily-uncharted territory. George RR Martin hasn’t finished the final book yet so show-runners David Benioff and D.B. Weiss are winging the final seasons with his beardy guidance (“How about ‘something, something… dragons! Decapitation! Sexy bit!’?”)
Cersei, the most Trumpian of the prospective Westerosian monarchs, takes centre stage in the trailer. We see this paranoid blonde-bobbed demagogue bestride a huge map of Westeros and brood on her iron throne of swords (Ikea €75) while ranting at her most trusted adviser, relative and lover, Jaime.
“Enemies to the east; Enemies to the west, enemies to the south and enemies to the north,” she says. We are nonetheless going to get tired of all the winning she’s going to do, she promises. “Whatever stands in our way, we will defeat.”
Up in the north a resurrected and re-enthroned Jon Snow leads a band of warriors on some unspecified mission into the ice while sensible sailor Davos Seaworth (a marginally better name than Bilderburg Boatgood) waffles on about the need to unite in the face of climate change (winter) like a fantastical Al Gore.
If you saw the last series you'll have learned that Jon is secretly the son of Lyanna Stark and Rhaegar Targaryan. His brother Bran saw this in a dream, which is what passes for a Jeremy Kyle Show DNA test in Westeros.
In the east, Daenerys is Westeros-bound with an army full of soul-deadened castrati, some horsey hippies, three dragons and a mammoth sense of entitlement that would inspire me to write a hot-take about Millennial leadership styles if I wrote for The Westerosian Times. We see her sitting a dragon-stone throne (Arnotts €125). "I was born to rule the Seven Kingdoms," she says, channelling Simon Coveney. "And I will."
Other details are vaguer. They include: Arya looking cold; Yara Greyjoy snogging Ellaria Sand; Jon Snow roughing up Littlefinger; boats on fire; a grisly hand reaching for something; Lannister armies being attacked; a dragon flying over an advancing army; Theon Greyjoy looking worried; Tyrion looking worried; Sansa looking worried.
I imagine they're worried about the reported Ed Sheeran cameo. We all are. What if he sings Galway Girl?
And what does all this mean? I can’t tell you. You’ll have to tune in on July 18th. “War is coming,” promises Jon Snow and it all sounds terribly exciting.
