How the British papers filled their pages before the latest pregnancy of Cherie Blair remains a mystery. However, now that time is running out for Mrs Blair - the baby is due in May - the media are beginning to get desperate, and with huge relief have tumbled on a new angle to this exciting news story, namely, the question of whether or not Tony Blair will take paternity leave.

This has now become a crucial international issue. Hordes of feature-writers have been analysing the situation, comparing paternity leave patterns in the UK to what goes on in other countries, checking the state of play at the United Nations, looking through the small print of EU regulations, canvassing the opinions of important people and even asking Joe Bloggs; but essentially, churning out vast wodges of copy.

Cherie Booth herself has now upped the ante by publicly applauding the Prime Minister of Finland, Paavo Lipponen, for taking a week off last month after the birth of his second daughter. "I, for one, am promoting the widespread adoption of his fine example," she said. In other words - "Tony: be there."

It is becoming rather tedious to bring up the Nordic countries, in particular Finland, when people want to impress us with modernity, the way forward and the social Eden to which we all supposedly aspire.

Look: here are the salient facts about Finland.

Childcare is compulsory in Finland. When your child reaches the age of six weeks, you have to hand it over to a registered minder and go back to work in the sawmill.

The Finnish State recognises that trained nurses are far more competent to bring up children than their parents, who are often amateurs with no previous experience.

Marriage is frowned on in Finland as a socially regressive institution inimical to the modern family unit, e.g. liaisons between grannies and toyboys, husky dogs and transsexuals, elks and their owners, and the solitary dweller.

Finns are encouraged to have no more than 1.8 children. People who have an extra 1.2 children, i.e. a third child, are ostracised and sent to remote camps in the north of the country where they are taught social skills and unselfishness.

Paternity leave is generous, at five years per child with double pay. The low take-up rate (2 per cent) is attributed to Finnish children (see following).

From the age of six months onwards Finnish children are encouraged to treat their parents as equals, and from the age of five, as inferiors.

Everyone in Finland aged upwards of two years is issued with a Nokia cellphone, and the company picks up the bills for the first three months.

Finnish children are taught to surf the Web before they can walk.

Sex is obligatory for all Finns aged over 15 who are not in full-time employment.

To spare embarrassment to your family and the Finnish nation, you must own an apartment, a Saab and a lakeside log cabin by the time you are 25, or else emigrate.

Nobody is allowed to speak Finnish except Finns, though of course nobody wants to.

When Finns find life in their homeland too hectic, they are allowed to relocate to Lapland.

Alcohol is state-controlled, along with alcoholics and alcoholism.

There is no word in the Finnish language for sobriety, but there are 89 different words for depression and 97 for gloom.

The Finns are credited with having invented the sauna, birch twigs, frozen lakes, flavoured vodka and, in language, the preposterous conditional tense; to all of which they are welcome.

All Finnish women have a blonde gene engineered in the 1950s from the Minsk whale.

It never rains in Finland, but it pours.

Finns found guilty of littering are delivered to sawmills and made into MDF for the export trade.

Finnish taxes are high at 108p to the pound, but Finns appreciate that this helps keep the black economy buoyant.

Old age is not a problem in Finland, where euthanasia is a popular weekend activity enjoyed by all the family. Well, most of the family.

bglacken@irish-times.ie