Question
We will be going through divorce very soon and, as yet, we have not told our two children (my son is 13 and my daughter is 15). They know we don’t get on and sleep separately. We keep the atmosphere in the house as peaceful as possible for them.
The mediator we worked with recommended we wait until we get a court date to tell them. I guess I want to know what support they will need when told and afterwards.
Answer
Separation and divorce is challenging for parents and children alike, so it is good that you are taking time to think through how best to prepare and support your children. The first thing to remember is that children cope differently and their needs can vary greatly.
So it is best to think individually about your son and daughter and how they might be affected and what they might need.
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Telling your children
Broadly speaking when telling your children about divorce it is best
- For both parents to tell the children together and for both children to be present.
- Explain the circumstances of the divorce in a non-blaming understandable way.
- Reassure them that the divorce is between mum and dad and was not their fault in any way.
- Reassure that you both still love them and that you will both be there for them.
- Discuss the new living and practical arrangements (and listen to their views on what they need).
Don’t view ‘telling the children’ as a single conversation, but rather as an opening up of communication between all of you. Make sure to follow up with the children individually to see how they are feeling and what questions they have.
Helping your children cope in the long term
Below are five principles to guide helping your children cope that have the validation of several studies
1) Look after your own mental health
Divorce can be very stressful for parents and often negatively impacts their mental health. This can mean that the quality of your parenting can dip post-separation and you can be less emotionally available for their children. Many children worry greatly about their parents wellbeing post-separation and it is an additional burden to them if one of their parents is not coping well.
As a result, it is very important to maintain your own mental health and wellbeing during and after the divorce. If you are personally coping well, this is good for you and for your children. Make a ‘self-care’ plan for yourself, that might involve reaching out to friends and communities of support, prioritising activities that refresh and energise you and seeking counselling and support groups for separated parents – find what works for you.
2) Co-operate with the other parent
The more you can collaboratively co-parent post-separation the better for your children. This can be very challenging given the potential acrimony of the court process and the grief and hurt that can be invoked. Take steps to process your upset and hurt to one side and work hard at communicating civilly and directly to the other parent about the children’s needs and to get good agreements about arrangements that work for everyone.
Though it is not completely in your control, try to be as collaborative as possible through the court process and reach out for support such as mediation if you need it (which seems to have worked for you in the past).
3) Take time to understand your children’s needs
Maintaining a warm relationship and open communication with each of your children is important to helping them cope. Try to create daily one-to-one times with each of them when you have time to chat and listen or even have fun with them. These might be simple things such as driving them to and from a sport, or doing a household chore such as the shopping or watching YouTube videos together.
Though as young teenagers they are pulling away from you, it is very important to keep these connections and give them opportunities to share with you how they are feeling. If they don’t raise any issues, it is a good idea to periodically check in with them about how they are doing – ‘It has been a month since the court, and I just wondering how you feeling about it all...’
4) Support the other parent’s relationship with the children
Post-divorce, children often lose quality contact with one parent, particularly the parent who might move out of the family home. It is hard enough to stay connected with teenagers at the best of times and particularly hard when doing it remotely. You can support relationships by being flexible about contact, and encouraging the children in how they stay in touch.
It is particularly important not to ‘bad mouth’ the other parent in front of the children, even if they are in conflict or angry with them. Instead it is useful to be understanding and neutral as you listen and to talk about differences in matter-of-fact ways. Children hate to be sucked into their parents’ disputes and disagreements, and divided loyalty can be damaging to them in the long term.
5) Minimise the changes your children experience
In studies, many of the challenges for children come not from the divorce itself but from the other losses and changes they might experience. For example, post-divorce, many children have to change school, drop favourite activities, lose contact with friends or grandparents and to move home.
While some changes are unavoidable, you can do a lot to help your children by minimising as many of these as possible, especially during the early teenage years. This might mean making sure both parents live close by post-divorce or making an extra effort to keep in touch with grandparents on the other side of the family. It might mean adapting the family home so both parents can live there separately or adopting a ‘nesting arrangement’ whereby parents take turns living in the family home (perhaps alternating on a weekly basis).
These creative arrangements that aim to give stability to the children’s lives can be reviewed as they children get older (eg agreeing to wait to sell the family home until the children are in college, etc).
- For more information please see my book ‘Parenting when Separated – Helping your Children Cope and Thrive’. John Sharry is Clinical Director of the Parents Plus Charity and an adjunct professor at the UCD School of Psychology. See solutiontalk.ie.