Question
My brother and his wife have a five-year-old son with significant sensory communication and emotional needs. I work as a teacher, and I’m inferring that he might have ADHD (attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder) or autism. When he comes for a visit, or to family events, he can’t communicate and often has meltdowns.
However, his parents are not willing to accept, discuss, explore or in any way receive support from family. His mum, in particular, is very defensive and narcissistic. She won’t admit anything is wrong and is paranoid about anything we suggest to help. All images she puts on social networks are picture-perfect, and we believe they are in strict denial in order to save face. In fact, they have almost stopped coming to family events and they have effectively moved away to “hide” their reality.
When we do rarely meet up, nobody is allowed to discuss their son for fear they’ll never return to visit us. Even my brother who I used to get on with has pulled away and won’t talk to me about it.
Meantime, my nephew continues to struggle without recognition or support that he needs, which I think is terrible.
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Answer
I think your question highlights a lot of complicated family dynamics. It is hard as an aunty to see your nephew struggling and to feel powerless and not be able to help. It is also hard to feel you are losing your relationship with your brother (and your nephew) over what is happening. Even though you have good intentions to help, be careful about coming across as judgmental towards your brother and his wife. Thinking about his wife as “narcissistic” or “paranoid” (even if you don’t use these words out loud to her) will likely mean your communication is imbued with judgment and criticism. This will likely increase her being defensive and make it more likely that they cut off from you or refuse your help.
In trying to help, it is important to be compassionate and understanding of what your brother and his wife are going through and to respect the way they are trying to deal with things. It is quite likely that they are under great stress and struggling, but might find it hard to face this and to get support. When raising a child with additional needs, many parents don’t immediately face up to what they are dealing with, and it can take them some time before they are ready to seek outside assessment and support.
While you might think it is “urgent” that they seek assessment for their son, it is much more important that this is done in the right way, when his parents are ready. Once he starts school, his teacher will be able to give feedback on his progress and encourage assessment if needed.
When dealing with challenges, many families “batten down the hatches” and focus on their nuclear family as they try to find a way to cope. Often this is motivated by a desire to protect their child. Specifically, many young neurodivergent children find extended family social events very stressful, which is communicated through distressing meltdowns.
Acknowledge how hard it might be raising a spirited little boy and ask your brother whether there is anything you can do to help
A natural parenting response is to reduce a child’s exposure to these events until they can better cope, especially if they perceive extended family are judging them. It is also perfectly understandable that they might present a positive image on social media and be very private about their struggles. As an aunt you don’t automatically have the right to be your brother’s confidant about his child – you have to earn this right by building a trusting relationship with him.
When they visit, it is important to listen and be supportive, but don’t see it as your role to “raise issues” or to provide advice about their son. If there are challenges such as meltdowns, be careful about jumping in, and instead ask them what support they would like or how you can be helpful. In addition, it might be useful to change the circumstances of the visit. For example, maybe a large family event is too much and maybe a smaller gathering might be easier. Maybe outdoors situations might work better than indoors.
As a first step, it might be useful to reach out to your brother to meet up. If it helps, you can say that you feel things have been “off” between the two of you recently and you are looking to “reset”. Don’t use the meeting to seek to provide advice about his son, and instead just focus on listening to build a connection.
Acknowledge how hard it might be raising a spirited little boy and ask him whether there is anything you can do to help. For example, he might appreciate practical help such as you taking his son for a few hours to give him and his wife a break. This will give you a chance to build your relationship and increase trust with your brother so you can be a true resource to your nephew.
It is important to be patient and to wait for your brother to come to you to ask for your support and advice.
- John Sharry is clinical director of the Parents Plus Charity and an adjunct professor at the UCD School of Psychology. He is author of several parenting books including Positive Parenting and Parenting Teenagers. See solutiontalk.ie