Dear Roe,
I just got dumped by a guy I had been seeing for four months because he said I was too needy — or in his words “needed more than [he] can give right now”. I have been going through a hard time with some family difficulties and work stress, and really liked spending time with him because I needed some fun and someone to be nice to me, and I thought we were connecting on a deeper level. I felt safe being vulnerable around him and thought he cared about me and now I feel humiliated that he was thinking that I was too much the whole time. I’ve been told before that I’m needy when I think things are going well. I was with my last ex for seven months and he said I was “too intense” for him. I don’t know what’s wrong with me and why I keep embarrassing myself by falling for these guys, only to find out that I’ve been an idiot the whole time.
I need you to re-read what you wrote here and notice the way you’re framing these interactions, insulting yourself and using really disempowering language. You’re not an idiot for falling for someone and not having the relationship work out, it happens to everyone. You’re not embarrassing yourself by going through a stressful time, or for liking someone. You’re being human and experiencing life and its emotions and complexities.
The way we frame romantic disappointments — or any disappointments — is important. By asking ourselves disempowering questions and framing our thoughts in the negative such as, “what is wrong with me?”, “why am I so needy?” or “why don’t these guys ever like me?”, you are guaranteeing that the only answers your mind can offer are thoughts designed to make you feel worse. If you input disempowering questions, you will get disempowering answers. So start paying very close attention to the ways you speak to yourself, and how often you frame questions in this way.
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Instead, start asking yourself questions that are future-focused, reflective and empowering, such as “what did I learn from this relationship?”, “what kinds of interactions make me feel the safest and the most comfortable?” and even simply “how can I make myself feel good today?”
(It’s important to note that while many of us feel a bit low after a break-up, if this negative self-talk feels like a regular state of mind or gets extreme, it may be worth talking to a therapist who could help you to interrupt this self-blame and build up your self-esteem. You mention that you’ve been going through some stressful events, and so some extra support may be a good idea regardless.)
Once you stop looking for ways to blame yourself, you can take a step back and realise that while rejection feels personal, it really isn’t. People date and look for different things at different stages of their life, and sometimes you’re not going to be what they need — and that’s fine. Just like you aren’t interested in literally millions of people on the planet and that isn’t an indictment of them, someone rejecting you doesn’t mean that you are less worthy as a person — it just means that what you’re offering and someone else needs don’t align, and that’s okay.
Take this guy you were seeing, for example. I actually respect that he was honest with you and told you that he wasn’t in a place to give you what you needed. As you admit, you’re under a bit of stress and need some emotional support, and you were getting serious about him. For whatever reason, he wasn’t ready to get as serious with you — and there literally could be infinite reasons, all of which reflect solely on him and his needs, not on whether or not you are worthy. He might not want a serious relationship. He might not be emotionally available in the way he knows you want. He could be under his own stress and could need to take care of himself without needing to be the main emotional support for someone under stress. Whatever the reason, he couldn’t offer you what you needed and that’s okay. That’s not an indictment of either of you; you’re just not aligned, and that’s fine.
[ Ask Roe: I’m falling for a man, but he’s still living with his ex-wifeOpens in new window ]
As for your ex, when a person tells you that you’re “too needy”, that’s a blaming way of saying that they can’t give you what you need, which again is fine if communicated respectfully. But in the interest of asking yourself more reflective, empowering questions that will help you in the future, let’s also delve into this repeated idea that your needs are too much, without blaming yourself. You have emotions and needs, and that isn’t a problem. But it is possible that you are setting yourself up for failure by repeatedly bringing your needs to the wrong people.
It could be that you are investing too much and relying too quickly on men who have not proven that they are worthy, capable or simply ready for that level of investment. Instead of asking yourself “why am I so needy?”, ask yourself “what about these men indicated that they were able to hold my emotions? What about our interactions made it clear they were open to seeing my most vulnerable self? Were these interactions equal in trust, vulnerability and investment, or were these men offering less than I was giving?” Or, possibly, “was I offering my most generous and supportive self, as well as asking for theirs?”
I want you not to frame your emotions or needs as a problem, but to be mindful of who you are turning to with your needs and emotions and who you invest in. When stressed and in need of support, who is a safer prospect to turn to — a friend or family member who knows and loves you and is invested in you, or a new person whose emotional maturity and investment in you is still unclear? Make choices that are safe and empowering for you.
This doesn’t mean you can’t be open and vulnerable with people you are dating — of course you can and should be. But you can move at a pace that allows you to gauge their empathy, trustworthiness and how much they are sharing with you. You can move at a pace that gives you time to ask yourself if they do make you feel safe and respected, if the relationship feels equal, and if you genuinely like them as a person as well as liking the escape they offer you during difficult times.
There are going to be people who adore your intensity and vulnerability and emotional openness immediately — and there may be people who are great for you who prefer to move more slowly towards emotional intimacy, so be aware of how you’re pacing your interactions. You may only want to date the people who can dive in the deep end with you right off the bat, and that’s fine — but at the moment, you are trying to dive with partners who want to remain close to the surface, and those decisions are hurting you.
If you take a little time to get to know the people around you, you can not only have more time to ask yourself the questions you need to — but you could also give them more time to ask themselves the questions they need to in order to feel safe deep diving with you. Good luck!
Read more advice columns from Roe McDermott, here.