Dear Roe,
I’ve been with my partner for three years and we have had overall a happy and communicative relationship. We are committed to a future together. We’ve recently started to argue about issues coming from his long-standing sense of dissatisfaction in his work. My partner is neurodivergent and works in a clerical job. He’s been employed in various roles within the sector for the past four or five years.
When we first moved in together, he had just left a job he found unfulfilling and began in a new role. Initially he was delighted and really positive. Over time however the demands of a nine-to-five role in a busy and often stressful work environment began to get to him, and he felt like he wasn’t being offered opportunities to progress and his employer didn’t value his contributions. He was unsuccessful in an interview for a promotion and then had a significant falling out with a colleague. This made everything so much worse. He gradually became more and more depressed.
During this time I did everything I could to be supportive. I tried making space for him emotionally without offering solutions, I tried giving advice, and when neither of these approaches worked, I tried gently suggesting that he make lifestyle changes that might help him manage his stress. All of this took a big toll on me after a while as I work with vulnerable people in my job and really value restorative time after I finish my working day. I also hated to see him so unhappy. He eventually moved into a new role and with my encouragement began seeing a therapist. It’s been just under a year and while things initially did improve, a similar pattern has now emerged in my partner’s life with his current job. He feels despondent, tells me he’s undervalued and criticises his work environment and colleagues all the time. He now works from home and calls me on my lunch break to tell me how frustrated and miserable he is.
When I try to gently but firmly encourage him to think of ways to better manage his stress and expectations, he can be defensive and defeatist. He planned to see a specialist to discuss medication options to manage his ADHD symptoms but missed the appointment. He regularly makes plans to move into a different career but doesn’t follow these plans through. I’m finding it really difficult to manage this aspect of our lives together. I’ve started avoiding subjects that could lead to a discussion about work, including discussing my own sense of fulfilment in my job. My work is emotionally demanding and I feel that my opportunities to replenish myself are diminished. Lately, I’ve been dreading going home. What can I do to improve my situation?
It is obvious that you’re an incredibly giving and generous person, in your work and in your relationship, and you have been very empathetic to your partner’s struggles. But, as I have written before, empathy without boundaries is self-destruction and you are well on your way to emotional burnout. It is very clear that something has to change here, but I think you need to stop taking responsibility for making that change happen.
When someone is neurodiverse or has mental health difficulties, it can be easy to assume that we need to be the ones to take on the work and improve their situation, and of course people who are experiencing difficulties deserve support. But there is a difference between giving sustainable levels of support and having your whole life revolve around them. You simply cannot make your happiness dependent on your ability to change how their brain works and how they experience the world, because this is not possible.
None of this is to blame your partner for his ADHD or what sounds like persistent depression. Workplaces are often incredibly unsupportive and overwhelming for neurodivergent people, and depression can be life-shattering. It sounds like he is a great person who has had a really difficult few years. But it also sounds like he isn’t taking responsibility for himself and is using you not just as a romantic partner, but a 24/7 therapist, doctor and parent, and that is not healthy for either of you. He needs both long-term solutions for his unhappiness and other short-term outlets for his emotions apart from you.
You say that you and your partner are committed to a future together, but you also seem exhausted by this situation and now dread speaking about your life or being in your own home, which makes me wonder if you are committed to your partner as he is now, or an idealised version of him you have in your head? Knowing that we cannot make anyone change, ask yourself: If this was our life, forever, would I be able to stay? It doesn’t sound like you would be able to, which is understandable. But acknowledging that is the first step, because you know that something has to change or the relationship has to end.
We are going to focus on what you can change right now, which is you and your life. What could you do for yourself to get some rest or rejuvenation time? Do you have your own therapist who is focused on your mental health and with whom you can discuss your frustrations and need to set boundaries? Could you take a weekend away on your own or with friends? Can you set a boundary with your partner that you need an hour to yourself when you come home to decompress and watch a comfort TV show or relax before discussing anything work-related? Can you write your partner a loving, encouraging, empathetic note/pep-talk that he can reread whenever he is stressed at work, instead of constantly taking his calls during your work day? Can you tell your partner that he can vent about work for 10 minutes but after that, you need to change the subject and do something fun together – and he is free to journal about his feelings or call a friend if he has more to process?
Decide how long you can stay as he tries to make some changes, which I hope he does – but if he doesn’t, do not wait to be completely eroded before you leave
It is also time to address the impact this is having on your relationship. Tell your partner that you love him and know he is finding life very hard right now, but it doesn’t seem like the situation is improving and you are emotionally exhausted and worried about him. Tell him that his work situation is now affecting your relationship, and something needs to change. There are a few options that he should try, including trying a new therapist; visiting his GP; arranging another appointment with the ADHD specialist; looking for ADHD support groups and services beyond medications; and finding a career coach who specialises in ADHD. Be honest with yourself about how much you can help him with researching these and helping him get to appointments and offer what you can.
If he gets defensive or starts spiralling, keep repeating what is true: the problems he is experiencing are big and real and deserve support and because you care about him and your relationship so much, you want him to get the help he needs.
Then, it will be up to him to accept help or not – and it will be up to you to set boundaries for yourself. You cannot make him go to a specialist or a doctor, but you can refuse to be his therapist 24/7. You cannot make him go to therapy, but you can do what you need to do for your mental health. Decide how long you can stay as he tries to make some changes, which I hope he does – but if he doesn’t, do not wait to be completely eroded before you leave.
Wishing you both the best of luck.