Question
I’m a 31-year-old man. About six years ago I met the love of my life. We had years of love and joy together and two-years-ago decided to tie the knot.
A few months ago, she left to go back to her home country, which is on the other side of the world. She said she would be back in a month or two and just needed some time at home as she’d been depressed and homesick. A little while later, she told me she was not coming back. She said I could simply throw out all of the clothes and other items she left behind in the house we bought together just under a year prior to her leaving. Thankfully, we have no kids, but the break-up has involved me giving up one of our dogs, a beautiful rescue bulldog who I love so much, and losing him has completely broken my heart.
The last six months or so have been the most traumatic of my life and I keep switching from feeling normal, sometimes even positive about my future, to feeling profound despair. I’ve had to hop off trains or jump into a random church in the city centre because I’m crying hysterically in public (I’m not even religious, but it seemed like the only place I couldn’t be judged and that would be secluded). I’ve done counselling, I’ve grieved and spilled my soul to friends and my family, who have truly stepped up and been incredible during this time.
I have a good, well-paid job, own my own house, which my ex says she doesn’t want and won’t contest. Everyone tells me I have a lot going for me and that I’ll be okay, but I feel like I’ll never be myself again. I’ve gone on a few dates, nothing serious. I’ve met some great people, but absolutely nobody feels like they’ll ever live up to the early years of my last relationship.
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Although our relationship had soured considerably in the last year or two, I still felt like we could find our way back to the early days when we were very happy together. My ex suffered with depression and anxiety, and I didn’t cope with it as well as I could have. I tried for a long time to make things work, being the primary breadwinner (she was a full-time student on a modest stipend) as well as doing virtually all the housework when she did not feel able to. This wasn’t a new problem as such, but it got considerably worse over the years.
I do not want to play the blame game. I wasn’t a perfect husband. I became an angry person, never once violent, but often grumpy and impatient, not being able to cope very well with what was going on around me. I think constantly about what I could have done differently. All of the photos in my phone, everything I see on TV that we used to watch together, all of the places I go – they all remind me of her.
I am trying so hard to move on, but it feels impossible. I think about potentially moving abroad for a while for a fresh start, but I’m afraid that may only add to my feelings of profound loneliness. I don’t know what to do.
Answer
You met your wife in your mid-20s when everything was intense and full of potential, and it is devastating to have all that hope and commitment disappear in such a short period of time.
You say your wife has only fully separated from you a few months ago and so it is likely that you are still in full-blown grief and loss. The pain of continuously being reminded by signs of your togetherness is acute at this time so you need to keep relying on your community of support to see you through this bereavement. It demonstrates a thoughtful disposition, and a good self-awareness, that you are able to look at your own participation in the dissolution of the relationship and consider what you might have done differently, but this is too early in your grief to be really able to rationally dissect all the parts that led to the break-up.
We know that grief is overwhelming and that it can be almost unbearable (hence your desire to move abroad) but that in the end we must go through the process, and drop by painful drop, to eventually arrive at a place of acceptance. You say you have tried counselling, but it may have been too early to engage with a reflective process and perhaps you might reconsider this as time goes on. We often want to find a “fix” but instead what we might consider is a type of compassion for ourselves and the person who we feel has hurt us. This only happens with understanding, and it often takes someone who truly listens to us to allow us to unravel all the different strands of a situation.
[ ‘I am worried about my sister. She seems to have given up on life’Opens in new window ]
Keep surrounding yourself with people who care for you and who can allow you to be in, and to express fully, the awful place that you find yourself. With this care and support, you will find that there is a path to recovery that will eventually lead to a life that is rich and fulfilling. However, friends often try to point to this possibility too soon as they too find it hard to see you so low and want you to stop suffering. If you can, ask them to stick with where you are right now and that when you are ready you will use their encouragement to engage with life and socialising again.
Try to bear the hurt and pain that is the result of the loss of something that had enormous value to you and know that this core principle of love will survive in you and allow you to risk relationship again in the future.
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