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Intimacy in a relationship is not simply about sex

Relationships: ‘Not everything possible necessarily leads to more intimacy and sexual pleasure, let alone to happiness’

What’s not to like when sex improves mood and wellbeing.
What’s not to like when sex improves mood and wellbeing.
Geraldine Walsh
Thu May 02 2024 - 06:01

Intimacy exists across a paradigm of physical, intellectual, emotional, artistic, empirical, appealing, spiritual and social interactions. The closeness embodies love and trust, allowing for vulnerability and fulfilment across all of our relationships.

This is part of a series about relationships: Balancing, managing, understanding and fixing friendships and connections.
This is part of a series about relationships: Balancing, managing, understanding and fixing friendships and connections.

Yet, in a romantic relationship, sexual connection and intimacy cannot only be necessary, but complicated. Yes, relationships can survive without sex, but, as Dr Jordan Rullo, clinical health psychologist and certified sex therapist suggests, emotional connection is a cornerstone to relationships and sexual connection is a big contributor to emotional connection in relationships. Added to the complexities of sexual intimacy is the consideration that how we love, how we partake in sex, is on the verge of “monumental change”, according to futures-anthropologist Roanne van Voorst.

Intimacy, however, centres on a need for connection, perhaps a connection with self rather than others but a need nonetheless no matter how that need may evolve.

Research suggests the average adult has sex once a week, with a consensus that this frequency is in line with relationship satisfaction

“Sexual intimacy, sex, physical affection are all examples of what’s called ‘bids for connection,’” says Rullo. “A bid for connection is a verbal or non-verbal gesture to positively connect with your partner. Putting out bids to your partner, and your partner accepting those bids, not only increases the emotional connection in your relationship, but it increases the overall level of trust in your relationship.”

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This intimacy, at its core, can build connection and communication, allowing a person to be themselves within their relationship as a whole through affection, understanding and lowering of stress. What’s not to like when sex improves mood and wellbeing with the release of oxytocin, dopamine and endorphins.

Not to mention the burning of a few calories.

Research suggests the average adult has sex once a week, with a consensus that this frequency is in line with relationship satisfaction. Sex and intimacy have long been a contentious issue in relationships and exploring or maintaining regular sex is one of the many challenges partners argue about.

[ How to you test your relationship – and whether you should ]

“Maintaining regular sex can be difficult in long-term relationships,” says Rullo, “when the honeymoon phase has ended, the novelty of a romantic partnership has worn off, there are increased responsibilities and thus stress, less energy, and perhaps less privacy if kids have entered the picture.

“Sometimes, sex feels like one more thing on the to-do list, or there simply isn’t enough time in the day and you must sacrifice sleep to create time for sex. If sex feels more like a chore and less like a treat, it’s difficult to prioritise it in your schedule.”

But is this apparent revolution of sexual intimacy bringing people closer together or further apart due to technology and shifting desires?

While some look to prioritising and scheduling intimacy to create routine and habit, others are experimenting, exploring, and challenging the norms of intimacy. Love, intimacy, sex and how we interact with these bonds are changing, according to van Voorst, author of Six in a Bed (Polity, 2024) and president of the Dutch Future Society. But is this apparent revolution of sexual intimacy bringing people closer together or further apart due to technology and shifting desires?

“The changes in how we, as humanity, experience love are going to both bring people closer together and drive them further apart,” suggests van Voorst. “The outcome depends on the trends and new opportunities we choose to embrace in our lives.” Van Voorst outlines in Six in a Bed several changes we are witnessing and are likely to continue experiencing including artificial friendship, love pills, a renewed interest in polyamory, paying for human companionship, online dating, and the emergence of sologamists — individuals who feel most comfortable without a long-term partner.

“In some of these instances, I noticed they led to a sense of disconnection between individuals,” she says. “For instance, studies on online dating indicate that while it can help some people form wonderful, intimate relationships, it also makes it challenging to develop feelings for someone sitting in front of you during a first date. The extensive array of potential partners available on your mobile phone during a date often makes people overly critical of the person they are with, and restless, hindering their ability to establish a connection.”

When connecting with sex dolls and artificial intelligence she learned that she slowly but gradually became somewhat less patient and more self-centred

During her research and fieldwork, van Voorst cultivated an online relationship, hired a rentable friend, tried DNA matching dating, paid for an erotic masseuse, practised flirting with robots, and visited a sex doll brothel in Amsterdam. When connecting with sex dolls and artificial intelligence she learned that she slowly but gradually became somewhat less patient and more self-centred, which affected her relationships with loved ones.

“I argue that such technology not only risks disrupting individual relationships but may also impact democracy negatively,” van Voorst explains. “These technologies fail to compel us to practice patience, handling disappointment, or negotiation – skills that we cultivate regularly with romantic partners or close friends and apply in interactions with colleagues or neighbours.”

[ ‘Romance and intimacy in our relationship has died. But is it better to stay together for the kids?’ ]

However, as van Voorst explored love and sex with polyamorists, sologamists, sex workers, pansexuals, asexuals, heterosexuals, and homosexuals, she uncovered positive examples of the current changes in love. “People are increasingly exploring their gender identities and realising that not everyone is strictly heterosexual or homosexual, but rather that sexuality exists on a spectrum. You may usually be attracted to men until you find yourself feeling extremely aroused by a woman.”

Added to how a person identifies, the cultural stigma surrounding being single continues to evolve and more people are feeling empowered to choose their forms of intimacy. “While everyone craves intimate relationships, not everyone desires the same type of connection,” says van Voorst. She uses the example of friends whose relationship is not romantic or sexual who purchase homes together and care for one another.

Some individuals find it easier to explore what they truly enjoy in bed on their own first, so they can later try it with a partner in real life

—  Roanne van Voorst

Their friendship nurtures a lasting love for each other. Exploring intimacy is unique; van Voorst recognises how some love multiple partners concurrently. “Despite the challenges associated with polyamory, the concept is gaining popularity and encouraging individuals in exclusive relationships to be more transparent with their partners.”

Van Voorst does not expect sex dolls to completely take over the work of sex workers, despite claims made by the technological industry, however, other trends and technological changes have a higher probability of becoming more mainstream.

“In the virtual worlds where I conducted fieldwork for a few weeks, people can practise forming romantic and sexual relationships,” she says. “Some individuals find it easier to explore what they truly enjoy in bed on their own first, so they can later try it with a partner in real life. We are starting to use new dating apps, such as algorithms that do not overwhelm us with choices, and apps that encourage quick video calls.

“Ideally, we will use technology in ways that enhance connection and pleasure for us. For that, however, we need to remain critical of all the possibilities being presented to us. Not everything possible necessarily leads to more intimacy and sexual pleasure, let alone to happiness.”

Relationships

Geraldine Walsh

Geraldine Walsh

Geraldine Walsh, a contributor to The Irish Times, writes about health and family