Question
I’ve noticed a pattern and want to get some advice on it. I am a 31-year-old man and have been dating beautiful women for some time now. Initially, it all goes very well and I think this is going to be the one that works out, but then I realise it probably is not as great as I think and then I end it.
I try to do this well and responsibly – I do it in person, am available for conversation and would like to keep a connection after these events. This person usually has become part of my life and are integrated (at least a little) into my friendship groups and have even accompanied me to weddings.
The trouble is that I’m finding that I get ferocious abuse following the break-up and I’m always blindsided as I try to be as good a person as it is possible to be in these situations. I’ve been trying to find some pattern and I think I have, but I’m not sure if it helps.
Most of these women come from separated families where their (in many of the cases) dads have been the ones who have left due to affairs, and I think I might be getting the effect of these life experiences. It feels to me that the abuse I get is so over the top that it makes some sense to me that other stuff is going on – for which I am not responsible.
‘I’m dating a previously married man but I feel sad that I will always come second to his children’
‘A stranger entered our family and turned them all against us’
‘I am worried about my sister. She seems to have given up on life’
‘I now realise that my son is in a narcissistic relationship, completely controlled and manipulated’
It is now at the stage that I want to ask someone if their parents are still together before we go on a date. But this is too weird, and I’d be embarrassed asking that.
Could I be on the right track and how might I manage a break-up better, to ensure that I don’t get belittled again?
Answer
You may well be right that there are other factors at play, as we often act out our family-of-origin issues in our current relationships, but there must also be some of your own history and patterns playing their part as well.
In the early stages of a relationship, we often put forward our best selves as we are suffused with the glow of love and attraction, but this is often challenged as the relationship proceeds into more exposure of our everyday selves. It is to be expected that our habits, behaviours and shoulder chips are all encountered and challenged in a relationship and, of course, this is often the pathway to a more evolved existence, but often it is where the relationship runs in to a full stop.
If this is happening to you regularly, it is worth doing some self-examination before looking to your partners’ stories for answers. This self-examination should extend to looking at our own upbringing, as we may unconsciously repeat behaviours from our own families or have reactions to our current partners similar to those we had as a child.
Even if we are aware of our family’s legacy, it is often very difficult to change it. For example, we may not be used to receiving much affection and, as result, we may find it difficult to handle a partner who is constantly affectionate. If we do not want to repeat family patterns, we need to practise self-examination combined with some behaviour modification. All change and development bring us outside our comfort zones.
The desire to achieve a better closer relationship is very alluring and may provide the motivation we need to stretch ourselves and this is why the possibility for change is high when we are in a good relationship. In your case it is worth investigating your own feelings when you reach the point that you are eager to leave a relationship.
What is that are you coming up against (again and again) that you can learn from and why is it that you keep repeating the same pattern?
You choose partners who are very sensitive to abandonment so could there be some motivation in you to rescue people?
Maybe when the relationship moves to a situation of more seriousness, you struggle with the demand on you to be less of the protector and this might be why you look for a way out. There is a myriad of other things self-examination could reveal, but the only behaviour you can change is yours, so it is worth giving this some attention.
When you are full of the lovely sense of expansion that the early stage of a relationship offers, you might have a discussion with your girlfriend about family of origin and relationship patterns and this might provide you with some useful insights and change the pattern (that seems to be solidifying) of ending relationships.
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While many of your ex-partners share a story of coming from a separated family, it is unlikely there is one single factor at play. Looking to your own involvement in these patterns, extending your comfort zone and growing self-awareness might yield you a lot more change than seeking faults in your partners.
This is how you take charge of your life and create new patterns that are more fulfilling for you.
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