I find myself divorced at 60 and am struggling with loneliness. My marriage was not great, but I never thought that it would end and I would be left living alone.
Somehow, I thought we would continue on to old age and just get through things. So, the separation took me by surprise. My husband told me he was leaving when my youngest child completed third level and moved out to work in another location.
It seemed that he had been waiting for this opportunity, and I think he moved out with indecent haste. I know he is now in another relationship, and this infuriates me as I feel that my own opportunities at a good life have dwindled to almost nothing. I live in the family home, but I do not have any luxury money for travel or exciting things and there is probably some truth that I have isolated myself more than I should in the past.
My own parents were very secretive and bred into us the idea that we should never let the neighbours know what was going on. I realise that this was based on a bit of fear and snobbery, but somehow this is what I have created too – nobody calls in to me and I think if I died, nobody would know for days. I’m jealous of my husband’s new life of dating and outings and I know that the children prefer visiting him than me – it may be that they pick up on my resentment and they are avoiding me because of it.
‘I’m dating a previously married man but I feel sad that I will always come second to his children’
‘A stranger entered our family and turned them all against us’
‘I am worried about my sister. She seems to have given up on life’
‘I now realise that my son is in a narcissistic relationship, completely controlled and manipulated’
But I am upset, angry and feel that I have wasted so much of my life on someone I did not love or even like that much. I try to cover over these feelings, but they burst out of me, and I know that people recoil when they encounter my (subdued) rage.
I go to bed alone, wake up alone and spend most of my days with no real meaningful encounters. What am I to do?
The one good thing about anger is that it gives us the energy to take action, and this is really needed in your life now. Your self-awareness seems to be good, and you have insight into how you have arrived at this situation, so capitalise on this and seek psychotherapy now.
You do not have much spare income so look up low-cost options that may be available in your area or even better still, join a psychotherapy group where you might discover how to speak to, and listen to, others who are coping with difficulties. Sharing our experiences is one effective way of feeling understood, of opening up to the empathy of others and of allowing self-compassion to creep in. Helping others is also healing, in that we feel we are useful as our attention and care is received and appreciated and you will find this if you join such a group.
Your anger suggests that you are keeping your ex-husband central to your existence, while in reality you never really had him in this position
There is no magic trick to connection, it is down to ordinary genuine human interest, warmth and affection. If you are honest about your loneliness and your struggles to connect, your group members will respond with kindness and support. Even your rage can be held and managed in such a group (or in therapy), and you might find that it has a lot to teach you about what your life needs and how you might demand a better life for yourself.
There are pivotal moments in our lives when we take stock and change direction, and this is one of yours, so do not just let things fester but open up possibilities for change. It does not sound as though you are embedded in your local community, so you might talk to a financial adviser about the possibility of selling and moving. While you may have to downsize, you might find that you can live somewhere that offers you more opportunities for community and engagement. Ask others for guidance, try your children as they know and love you so will have your best interests at heart or do some research (speak to estate agents or google an area) into what might suit you.
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Getting a part-time job or engaging in an adult-learning course could offer you a bigger frame in which to expand your life, and it might also offer you a base from which to reconsider your marriage. Your anger suggests that you are keeping your ex-husband central to your existence, while in reality you never really had him in this position. It hurts to be left or rejected, but you can recover from this by removing him from the central position of persecutor you may have assigned him and move him appropriately to a sideline position. He is the father of your children and deserves respect, but now your life must focus on you and your own development and fulfilment.
Resource yourself by engaging with psychological support, and trust that your anger is leading you to a change that will offer you a life that is not lonely or isolated but one of meaning and connection.
- Group Analytic Practice
- Irish Council for Psychotherapy
- Psychological Society of Ireland
- To send your question to Trish Murphy, fill in the form below, click here or email tellmeaboutit@irishtimes.com