Question
I feel as if a veil has just been pulled from my eyes and I am a bit horrified that I have allowed something to develop by ignoring it.
I am in my early 70s and felt that my life had been tough, but that, ultimately, I had been successful in turning it around, so really I was probably feeling a bit self-satisfied. However, I now realise I was living in a fool’s paradise, and I am shocked at my lack of insight.
I was married for 30 years to a man who was controlling, intimidating and physically abusive on a number of occasions. When I saw the effect on my two children (cowering and afraid) I began the long separation process and, eventually, with the help of support agencies, I left the family home. It was a disruptive number of years, and the divorce took a long time, but eventually things settled, I got a job and finally bought a house when the finances got sorted.
The children were in their 20s when all this came to pass, and I felt that we were all free to live better lives. They always had contact with their Dad, but it has been sporadic and difficult. The issue is that my son and his wife came to stay with me recently and I saw behaviours that were so reminiscent of my relationship with his father that I was dumbstruck.
‘I’m dating a previously married man but I feel sad that I will always come second to his children’
‘A stranger entered our family and turned them all against us’
‘I am worried about my sister. She seems to have given up on life’
‘I now realise that my son is in a narcissistic relationship, completely controlled and manipulated’
How did I not see that my son was turning out like his father? He was subtly threatening and intimidating to his wife and even physically stood over me one day when I disagreed with a point on something. They have gone back to their own home but I am left feeling responsible and know that I need to do something. But what?
I can’t believe this is happening because I love my son but am also afraid of him and for him.
Answer
It can indeed happen that patterns from previous generations get passed down to the next one. These may be benevolent characteristics or, as in this case, very negative ones. The first step to addressing the issue you have uncovered is self-awareness. You can only now see something that was previously hidden from view and therefore it is only now that you can do something about it. While your son may well have learned behaviours from his Dad, he is also your son and don’t despair that he is not open to change or challenge.
You need to prepare yourself in terms of speaking to those who know him well but also by contacting the agencies you previously engaged with, eg Women’s Aid or domestic violence agencies. The expertise and knowledge of these agencies will offer you a knowledge base from which you can begin to address the problem. Talking to your son’s sibling may also offer you a wider picture of his issues and they may also help you identify pathways of communication with him. Depending on your relationship with your daughter-in-law you might also decide to engage with her, both on how to intervene and to offer her your knowledge of support for herself, as it is unlikely his behaviour is only directed at you. Having conversations now with both your other child and your daughter-in-law will offer a bigger picture to you and help to identify possible interventions.
[ Coercive control: ‘It creeps up on you slowly and quickly at the same time’Opens in new window ]
Having your son stand over you threateningly is something that cannot be allowed happen, so you will need to organise your next meeting with him in a public place where is safety is guaranteed for you. You can begin by asking him what he thinks are the reasons you asked to speak to him, but you cannot continue the conversation without his agreement that he will manage his own responses. If at any stage you feel unsafe, you need to leave. Make sure you have a support plan for yourself organised before the meeting.
If the meeting can proceed, then ask him how he thinks you felt when you last met and if that reminded him of situations with his dad. If he is open to this type of conversation, you know that it is possible to work with him regarding his behaviour and actions. However, if you get nowhere, it may be that he will not wake up to his behaviour until something forces him to do so. His wife may need protection and if it is her expectation that they have children in the future, she will want to ensure they have a home in which they can thrive. This may be the point at which your son pays attention, as he has been that child himself.
[ ‘My partner has become abusive since we had our baby’Opens in new window ]
A combination of family therapy and behaviour modification may be required if he is to understand and change his behaviour. You cannot force him to do this, it has to come from him, and you can only offer support.
You say you love him and fear for him, but he is the one who has to make changes that will allow him have a trusted relationship with you. If he does not offer this, you have no choice but to limit his visits to those where you can guarantee your safety.
- Women’s Aid
- Family Therapy Association of Ireland
- Safe Ireland
- To send your question to Trish Murphy, fill in the form below, click here or email tellmeaboutit@irishtimes.com