Question
My daughter confided in me recently that her friend (aged 15) has told her of a difficulty she is having, and this is not an area with which I am familiar.
This friend, a girl, has been in a relationship online for more than nine months now, with a boy who lives in an EU country. My daughter tells me that this couple have been on WhatsApp every day for all that time and sometimes for large parts of every day, so this is not a trivial relationship.
However, the girl in the relationship has been feeling strongly that she wants to leave and when she hinted at this, the boy reacted badly. He told her he loved her and did not want to live without her.
He is threatening to end his life if she breaks it off with him and he has sent pictures of him self-harming so that she knows he is serious. My daughter promised her friend she would not tell anyone about this, but she is struggling with the burden and has had trouble sleeping.
‘I’m dating a previously married man but I feel sad that I will always come second to his children’
‘A stranger entered our family and turned them all against us’
‘I am worried about my sister. She seems to have given up on life’
‘I now realise that my son is in a narcissistic relationship, completely controlled and manipulated’
Although she has told me, she wants me to also keep this secret. However, she is worried her friend is becoming very fearful and depressed as a result of this boy’s threats.
I am in a bit of shock to think that a relationship where the people have never met can have such an impact, but I am also very worried for my daughter’s wellbeing.
Answer
There are many aspects to this problem – the silence around such emotional blackmail, the intensity of relationships for teens (even if online), the lack of any adult support, and the conflict between keeping a confidence and risking losing a friendship.
Online relationships are now part of the relationship world, and we need to acknowledge their potential for legitimacy and intensity. In the situation you describe, the contact was daily and extensive. The difficulty with this is that there is no oversight by family or friends, so the only insight into the relationship, that is available, is from the girl herself and she is obviously struggling to know what to do.
In a different scenario, friends might take the girl aside and offer some warning or advice, but this does not apply here as nobody has ever met the boy and no one is privy to the experience of the engagement between the girl and boy. When someone is very young, and has no other past experience with which to make a judgment call, they can feel very isolated and distressed in their decision making. Add to this the threat of self-harm (and the pictures of self-harming are alarming) and the burden of a life falls on someone who has no capacity to manage such a situation.
The request for silence in this situation cannot be sustained and this applies to everybody, adults and teens alike. When there is serious risk, confidentiality cannot be guaranteed and the response should fall to the most capable person in the situation, ie, the adult.
If there was information available about the next of kin of the boy, they should be informed immediately so appropriate services can be called in to assess and manage the risk. However, in your situation this does not appear to be the case as the only contact is via WhatsApp but there may be other possibilities for action.
One way to proceed is for you to meet your daughter and her friend, and tell them this situation will need to be handled by adults and that you may need to involve the boy’s parents. It may be that the boy has other social media accounts through which some details can be found to enable his parents or school to be contacted to alert them to his distress. Failing this, the local police in the area where he lives can be contacted – the police are now trained and sensitive in such situations and are very competent in managing these difficulties.
You might also talk to your daughter and her friend about working with their school to organise some discussion and intervention on such topics as relationships and secrecy. Perhaps the National Educational Psychological Service might offer guidance in this area or signpost some professional input for the class.
Finally, praise your daughter for telling you about what is happening and tell her it was courageous of her to do so. Tell her it shows her trust in you as someone who will lift the burden of this from both her and her friend. Point out that the risk of losing friendship is one all of us face at some point in our lives, but if you look carefully, you will see it is fear that governs keeping the secret here and this is not a good guide for any friendship.
While your daughter’s friend might struggle with the exposure of her story, she also seems to realise this situation is beyond her and hopefully she will see the necessity of adult involvement when she gets the relief from no longer carrying the burden of a life.
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