Dear Roe,
I’m turning to you during a very confusing period in my relationship. My partner and I are talking about marriage, but I’m feeling like I’m stressing a bit too much about that, more than should be normal. There are certain incompatibilities in our ideals – he wants kids, I want to adopt. Initially we reached a compromise that we’ll have a kid that’s biological and one that’s adopted, but I still am not sure about biological children as I have a history of cancer (that he is aware of). Secondly, it’s becoming more and more apparent how sexually incompatible we are sometimes and we have so many fights about my weight and him being concerned about my healthy weight (I’m not obese, I just went up a dress size). It’s exhausting. We try to have conversations about these issues but I feel like we just talk in circles. I need your advice on how to deal with this, because I love him and I would like to make this work before making any drastic decisions.
To recap: you and your partner are not in full, wholehearted agreement about what kind of family you want; you feel sexually incompatible; you have repeated conflicts that aren’t progressing; he’s consistently critical of your body – and you’re confused as to why thinking about marriage feels stressful.
You need to start listening to your instincts. You’re feeling stressed because the prospect of committing to this relationship for a lifetime is setting off every emotional alarm bell in your body, and it should. These are not small issues. These are very deep, important issues that can and will impact on not only your daily existence with your partner, but your long-term happiness and fulfilment. Having a shared vision for the future, feeling sexually compatible, being able to navigate conflict respectfully and productively, and treating each other with kindness, acceptance, respect and affection – if I were to craft a list of things that are fundamental requirements for a healthy, long-term relationship, these issues would get top billing. I cannot tell you how many letters I receive from people whose relationships are falling apart because one of these qualities is missing from their relationship, let alone all of them.
It’s time to park the marriage conversation. Marriage is a way of distracting yourself with an idealised future, when what you need to focus on is the thorny reality you’re living in right now. I’d take some time to think about why you’re even considering marriage. I know you love your partner, but love is not enough to sustain a marriage, or even a relationship. It’s how you treat each other and how you both co-create the life you want together that is going to make or break you. When those things are less than ideal, it’s important to ask what marriage means to both of you, and why the instinct is to move towards it even when you both know there are major issues in your relationship.
Are you hoping that marriage will magically solve these issues? Because sadly, what’s more likely is that marriage will magnify them. Do you feel under pressure to get married because of your age, how long you’ve been together, and what’s normal in your community or friend group? Peer pressure wasn’t a good reason to get chunky highlights as a teen, and it’s not a good reason to get married now. Or are you aware that this is a make-or-break time in your relationship, and considering marriage feels easier than considering the alternative?
It’s time to get yourself to a therapist so you can have a space where you figure out how you’re feeling about your relationship, what you need, and importantly, how your partner and this relationship makes you feel. Often in relationships, we focus on how much we love the other person and how much time and energy we have put into the relationship, without actually considering how our partner and the relationship makes us feel. Do you feel understood, supported, appreciated, respected, desired, loved? It doesn’t sound like it. What would need to change in your relationship for you to feel these things? Do you think those changes are possible?
Think about your non-negotiable needs in a relationship; what your partner’s non-negotiable needs are, and whether these are compatible. For example, your partner may need to be in a relationship with someone who values “health and fitness” (or more accurately, rigid body ideals) as much as he does. You may need to be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t police your body and accepts that bodies will change over a lifetime, and endeavours to express affection and desire for you. Those are two incompatible needs. So either your partner needs to stop with his comments, or you need to find a compromise where your lifestyles become more compatible without you feeling criticised, or the relationship needs to end, because you cannot spend your life with someone who is constantly making you feel bad about yourself.
Some of these conversations will boil down to what are your values, your non-negotiables, and the sacrifices you’re willing to make. Getting clear on your non-negotiables, your vision for your life, and being honest about these is a way you and your partner can avoid the trap of fantasy. If your partner is waiting for you to transform into an uber-slim fitness fanatic when that has never been something you want for yourself, that’s his problem, not yours, and he will have to decide what he needs to sacrifice: his fantasy of his partner’s body type, or his relationship with you.
Likewise, if your partner has always been clear that he wants to have children and isn’t enthusiastic about adopting and you keep waiting for him to change his mind, you’re also projecting a fantasy on to him and ignoring the truth he’s been telling you all along. In this case, what is most important to you in regards to children and your health? What do you value, and what sacrifices do you need to make to protect your needs?
If you want this relationship to survive, grow and become stronger, it is possible. But both of you need to be very clear about what you both need, and you both need to be willing to work together on exploring these issues and addressing them. A couple’s counsellor will help you talk through these issues and come up with some communication strategies so that you both feel safe expressing your needs. Hopefully together you can start to disrupt and change the pattern of fights and arguments that is currently keeping you stuck.
Think about the kind of life and relationship you want. Believe that you deserve it. Work towards it, with or without your partner.