Question
I am a woman in my mid-50s, happily married to my husband for 30 years. He is a kind and caring man and was successful in his career. We share a range of interests in the arts and current affairs and we have a circle of good friends.
The problem is that he does not take care of his health and I am constantly worried about him. We both enjoy good food, but he struggles significantly with his weight. He is very heavy and has developed arthritis in his knees which makes exercise (which he never enjoyed) even harder. I have tried talking to him about this, and he promises to try to lose weight, but his efforts never last beyond a few days. He stays up later than I do and, even if we eat a healthy dinner, he will snack late in the evening.
His weight has begun to affect my desire for him – when I engage with him physically, my fears for him come to the fore.
Can you suggest what more I can do before I end up a widow, or a carer for a seriously disabled man, before my time?
‘Although my current job has a structured career path and is secure, I find it meaningless’
‘I am divorced at 60, envious of my ex-husband’s new life and struggling with loneliness’
‘I’m dating a previously married man but I feel sad that I will always come second to his children’
‘A stranger entered our family and turned them all against us’
Answer
You cannot make your husband do what he does not want to, but you can look at how to use your influence to improve life for both of you. We all think we know how to create a healthy life (more fresh air and exercise, good sleep and healthy eating habits) but this knowledge is often very difficult to implement and it is worth trying to understand why your husband is struggling with this and what for him are the advantages of his current lifestyle.
There may have been something in his family where food was a reward or a refuge, or being heavy was like an invisibility cloak so no demands were put on him. The point is that understanding should come before intervention, so you might try some genuine curiosity and exploration with him or offer him the option of investigating this on his own with a therapist. The understanding has to be a fit for him (rather than you) and, as with all of us, he may be resistant as change is difficult and we are often very good at avoidance. The pay-off is that he might get to discover interesting and varied things about himself, and his past and present context, and this can open his life up to future options.
Have you considered who else might be able to help him get to the bottom of the causes/drivers/influences of his habits? You might not be the best person to instigate this journey, so look to others who might be able to help.
Perhaps a friend, sibling, child or his GP might be suitable, and you could ask for their assistance. Indeed, as you are both in your mid-50s, perhaps you could ask your GP to suggest a general health screening for both of you as you approach thinking of the next stages of your life.
In retirement, you get an estimated 2,000 hours back each year and it might be fun to begin creating a list of the things you might like to do, together and separately. This creates a future where you plan for lots of activities, and it might help overcome the current inertia. Right now, it could be good to organise things that you both enjoy doing, so less time is spent in the habit where you go to bed early, and he snacks downstairs.
This brings us to the question of desire and attraction and now might be the time to bring this to the surface. There is a way of doing this that might lessen the fear or shame in such a discussion. One technique that might be helpful is for each of you to create a “pie of desire” chart – this is where you draw a circle and write in pie sections all the things that need to be present for you for desire to work. These might include feeling attractive and desired, feeling confident, connecting with vitality, feeling safe, having fun, some mystery, using fantasy etc. Then you can put these pies together and with discussion you might find that some sections need a larger space and others less so. You might also find (if you are brave and honest) that you can reveal things about yourself that you have not discussed previously and that your partner then has permission to do the same. (For more on the pie of desire, see, Working with Sexual Issues in Psychotherapy, by Desa Markovic, Red Globe Press, 2017).
All the things in the pie can be worked on and developed and some fun can be had implementing them. Fear blocks desire and this is something you can work on (and get your husband’s help with) for the romantic and physical part of your relationship to blossom.
There is so much to celebrate in your marriage – 30 years of liking each other and who you have become. You have a lot of ballast with which to take some risks, and now is the time to do this so that the next 30 years can be fabulous.
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