Dear Roe,
I am almost 34 years old, and single almost a year. I ended a two-year relationship with a very kind and wonderful person because we had irreconcilable differences. It was very difficult but I felt it to be the right decision. I am getting back to dating over the last couple of months by using apps, but I am finding it very hard and exhausting. I have been ghosted by a number of women and I have gone on a date or two with some others only for them to peter out with a long text explaining that they didn’t feel a connection or that I was not the right person for them.
I have a disability that affects my left side, and when I start talking to someone I disclose this if the conversation is going well. I am an open book about it as I want to meet someone who accepts me for who I am. Generally, people are fine with it in the beginning, but it seems to happen repeatedly that after I meet someone in person (or even before this point) they find a reason why we shouldn’t see each other any more.
I recently joined a comedy improv group and am meeting new people, which is great. I go to therapy once a week and find it hugely beneficial. It has allowed me to grow as a person and self-reflect, and I feel I would be a good partner to someone who can see past the surface. I care deeply about friends and family, I have a good job, I think I am funny and kind, and I feel ready to share my life with someone new. But I worry sometimes that, because of how disposable people are in dating now, I may never find someone.
You are someone who is trying improv to explore different parts of storytelling, connecting and yourself, so I hope you’ll indulge my own explorations of different forms of storytelling. I’m interested in all the tools we use to tell stories and lately I’ve been looking at tarot cards, not as a form of fortune telling or divination but as a storytelling tool and a way to offer a perspective on an issue plaguing us. A tarot reader I adore is Jessica Dore, a social worker and academic who brings philosophy, sociology and psychology to her readings, opening up layers of meaning in tarot archetypes and offering new ways of understanding old stories.
In tarot, the card “The Lovers” holds several meanings; it represents relationships, but also choice, something that is important to think about when thinking about love – especially when single. When we think about choice in the context of love, we can think about making conscious choices in how we think about and pursue love. We can choose the stories we tell ourselves about love – and what lessons we want to learn. Dore writes that when thinking about choosing a romantic partner, people often make a list of the qualities they want in a partner, when we could instead choose partners based on what we need to learn about love, and ourselves. “It seems worthwhile, when preparing to enter into a partnership or union to consider,” writes Dore, “what lessons and skills am I ready to learn? And instead of asking, ‘Is this person right for me?’ we could ask: ‘Is this person someone with whom I can learn the lessons I am wanting and ready to learn, and then some I don’t see yet?’”
[ I’m not out to my family and it’s stopping me from datingOpens in new window ]
Something you can consider at this stage of your dating life are the stories you are telling yourself, and the choices you can make around what you need to learn. There are a couple of stories that you’re telling that I want you to be mindful of. One story is that you’ll never find someone, and that dating is useless. You have only been actively dating for a couple of months. Respectfully, that’s nothing. And while there are definitely issues with apps and dating culture that can contribute a feeling of disconnection, creating a negative story so early into the process is going to make you cynical and enter dating with the assumption that the process is empty and futile, when the reality is that there are so many people out there hoping to find their person, just like you.
I’d also be mindful of the story you’re telling yourself about your disability, as you seem to be creating a link between it and why you haven’t yet found a lasting relationship in the past eight weeks of looking. You write that “generally, people are fine with it in the beginning, but it seems to happen repeatedly that after I meet someone in person (or even before this point) they find a reason why we shouldn’t see each other any more.” You’re creating a causal correlation when the reality is that the vast majority of dates don’t lead to a relationship, and peter out. People chat or date and realise they’re not a match and move on. That’s the nature of dating, not your disability, and again I fear that you’re choosing a story that repeats an insecurity of yours and a cynicism about other people, instead of telling yourself a story of dating as exploration, effort and process.
You’re someone who does comedy improv. You know about exploration and effort and process. The rule of improv is “Yes, and” – the art of accepting what is offered to you and building on it to create a new story. Sometimes those stories will go in unexpected directions and sometimes the stories won’t quite click, but the point is to remain open and embrace the process. Right now, I suspect that when it comes to love, you’re not embracing the process. Instead of “Yes, and” you’re more in a “Yes, but” stage.
“Yes, I’m ready for love – but I don’t want to have to wait for it.” “Yes, I want a genuine connection – but I’m going to take every interaction that doesn’t result in that as evidence that it doesn’t exist.” “Yes, I’m comfortable in my own skin – but I’m going to assume that other people are judging my disability.” You’re writing stories with the obstacles already written in and shutting yourself down quickly, instead of accepting what is being offered to you and remaining open to building on it.
You’ve obviously learned a lot about yourself in your previous relationship. But think about what you still need to learn and choose to embrace those lessons. You may need to learn patience or flexibility. You may need to learn how to appreciate the present, instead of only focusing on the end-goal of a lasting relationship and seeing everything else as futile. You may need to learn how to choose optimism and perseverance and self-acceptance instead of the safety of cynicism. You may need to learn what old stories are no longer serving you.
You can’t speed up the process of finding the right person for you. It takes the time that it takes. So if you’re going to have to spend some time single, if you’re going to have to go on some dates that don’t lead anywhere, make the choice to embrace the process. Use this time to have experiences you’ll enjoy, to remain curious about the people you meet, and to think about what old stories are no longer serving you, and what you have yet to learn.
You’re single right now. Instead of viewing that as problem to be solved, see it as the starting point. Say “Yes, and” – and see what happens.