I love my boyfriend, we’re planning our life together, and I need help dealing with an issue with his parents. They are genuinely kind and generous people in so many ways. My boyfriend’s sibling has had some issues and his parents have been so supportive and empathetic. They’re also good fun and have always been very welcoming to me. Over the past two years, they’ve started parroting some bigoted views on a couple of hot-button social issues and it’s getting worse. I feel like every time I’m over they make some ignorant and blaming comment about vulnerable people. I find these comments upsetting and stressful. Everything that’s going on in the world is so distressing right now. I need a break from horrible news cycles, and hearing people I’m going to be permanently connected to saying awful things makes me feel hopeless. I have tried to push back on these comments but they just brush me off. My boyfriend agrees with me and will occasionally argue but usually drops it to end the conversation – but then, the next time we’re over, they’ll start again. His family is really important to him, I want to get on and don’t want to be constantly arguing with them. But I can’t be around their comments all the time. What do I do?
I have a theory about in-law issues: 90 per cent of the time that someone has an issue with their partner’s family, what they actually have is a problem with is their partner. Because if you have an issue with your partner’s family, your partner needs to be taking the lead on trying to solve it, for many reasons. It is because of your partner that you need to be around these people. It’s your partner who wants everyone to get along and see each other. Your partner has more power and leverage than you do. Sometimes being the outsider can be helpful, offering an outside perspective, disrupting dysfunctional patterns and creating the opportunity for change – but unless your partner supports and protects you in interactions with family, you’ll simply be scapegoated as the troublemaker. It’s not a good position to be in, and so your partner shouldn’t put you in it. They should be stepping up and taking the lead.
In this situation, your boyfriend has two viable options. One is to tell his parents that he (he, not you) completely disagree with his parents’ views, find them offensive and upsetting, and does not want to hear them. He can express that it’s exhausting and frankly bizarre that they manage to bring up these issues every time you visit, and that it needs to stop. He can tell them that if they make those types of comments, you will both be leaving, immediately. Then he needs to enforce it. If a comment is made, he says you are leaving – and you both leave. But he needs to initiate it. No hesitating, no looking at you for guidance – he just takes your hand, says goodbye and you leave together. The reason he has to do it is twofold: first, he has to show his parents that there genuinely are consequences to repeatedly spouting bigotry, and one of those consequences is not getting to be around him or you; and second, he has to do it, rather than you, so that they can’t blame you as a “bad influence” or scapegoat you as the source of conflict. They need to see the causal effect of their actions: if they insist on repeating bigoted views, they lose time with their son. Simple as. Your boyfriend doesn’t have to cut them off completely, or avoid their calls, or refuse to ever go around again – he is just going to end the conversation every time they say something bigoted. If your boyfriend is consistent and simply leaves every time they make a comment, they will quickly learn and make their choice. If the family is as close as you’ve described, they will hopefully choose a relationship with their son over their love of awful talking points.
You’ve stressed that your boyfriend’s parents have bounds of empathy and kindness, and hopefully they’ll keep engaging these qualities
This is what setting a boundary is: deciding what you won’t tolerate in a dynamic, and removing yourself if it occurs. Your boyfriend isn’t destroying his relationship by setting a boundary, he’s setting the terms for how it can continue.
The other option is that your boyfriend – and you if you choose, but again, he needs to lead – could engage his parents in a discussion, with a real effort to be respectful and curious. I do not say this because all people who spout bigoted views deserve respect and curiosity, or your time and energy, or your presence in their life. But these people are going to be in your life forever, and you say that they have many wonderful qualities. If engaging with them mindfully lessens the charge of your interactions and makes it easier to be around them; if it makes you all understand each other a little better; and if it offers them an opportunity to interrogate their own views, then it may well be worth it.
When speaking about this issue, it could help for you and your boyfriend to approach this with real curiosity. Curiosity isn’t just about asking questions; questions can be leading or pointed or agenda-laden. Curiosity involves asking questions without being emotionally invested in getting one particular answer. It’s about remaining genuinely open to learning. You know you disagree with your boyfriend’s parents, but you can get curious about how they came to hold the views they do – and make them consider their views thoughtfully.
Here are a few questions your boyfriend could ask: what life experiences have you had that have led you to feel so passionately about this issue? What do you think your beliefs might be if you had been born into a different family, religion, race, gender, class, or time? What is at the heart of this issue, for you as an individual? What questions or points of curiosity do you have for people who have different views? What are your core values or ethical beliefs that underlie this opinion? Knowing that I hold very different views, what questions do you have for me or what are your curious about? What values do you think you instilled in me that underlie my beliefs?
Your boyfriend could also tell his parents that their comments upset him and make him want to spend less time with them – then ask them to help solve that problem. That could look like asking them questions such as: do you think how we’re currently communicating about this topic is constructive, and if not, what could we change? What information, if proven to be true, could I offer you that might lead you to think differently, and are you open to thinking differently? And finally: If we continue to fundamentally disagree on this topic, can you commit to preserving our relationship by not making these type of comments around me?
I really hope they’re open to these conversations, and that it does some good. There’s a lot of division right now, and while I will defend anyone’s right not be around people whose views they find abhorrent, genuinely constructive communication can be healing and transformative. You’ve stressed that your boyfriend’s parents have bounds of empathy and kindness, and hopefully they’ll keep engaging these qualities.
What’s ironic is that your ability to see and appreciate their beautiful qualities even though they hold views you see as heinous actually demonstrates a lesson they themselves need to learn: most people are multifaceted and complex and if you view them with empathy or curiosity, it becomes infinitely harder to dismiss and dehumanise them.
You’re doing good work here – just make sure your boyfriend isn’t leaving you to do it alone. The best of luck.