Dear Roe,
I am the mother of teenagers and I would like to know how I should talk to them about masturbation. It seems like no one talks about this and I’m not sure if it’s covered in any of the school content on sex and health. Surely it’s vital to tell them to discover what pleases them and to get to know their bodies or is this still taboo and are we supposed to just let them figure it out themselves? Would love advice on this topic, please, as I have not seen it covered already.
I’m sure many parents are jealous that you’ve made it this far without having to address it. Many children discover very early on that touching themselves or rubbing themselves against objects feels good, forcing parents to have very early conversations about what is appropriate to do in the middle of Tesco. For preschoolers and young children, this form of touching is not erotic or sexualised, they’re just discovering that touching certain parts of their bodies can feel good simply due to nerve endings. Like all conversations about bodies, it’s possible to have age-appropriate conversations that set boundaries without shaming children or making them feel judged or rejected. There’s no “right age” for conversations about masturbation, but if parents notice young children doing it earlier than expected, that’s the time to start.
Early conversations can acknowledge that bodies are cool and focus on acceptance, while emphasising that some body parts and actions are private – not shameful, just private. For young children, these conversations can be incorporated as needed into conversations about naming body parts, hygiene and telling children about unsafe touch. Explaining that bums and genitals should be covered in front of other people and that no one should ever touch certain parts of their bodies are simple, age-appropriate messages to give children – and if needed, children can also be told that while self-touch can be normal and natural, it’s also private.
While some self-touch is normal in young children, if it starts interfering with daily life, conversations can happen that are not shaming about the behaviour but emphasise the importance of prioritising every day things like chores, schoolwork and seeing friends, and stressing that some self-touch can happen in private but not to the neglect of other things. Parents can sometimes worry that masturbation can be a sign of sexual abuse, and while this can be true, unless there are other signs or causes for concern it’s probably just normal development. However, if parents see masturbation happening along with signs of behavioural or emotional difficulty or any inappropriate sexual talk or activity, parents should consult with their child’s doctor.
Girls can often be left out of discussions about masturbation. This silence can be deeply damaging
Having age-appropriate, non-graphic and non-shaming conversations about bodies and touch can be important for children’s self-awareness and their safety. If they have an awareness of bodies, safe touch and what is private, they are more likely to understand boundaries (their own and other people’s), and to recognise unsafe touch if it ever occurs. Having parents who speak openly and non-shamingly about bodies and touch means that as they grow, children will feel comfortable asking about bodies and relationships, allowing them to develop a healthy relationship around their bodies and sexuality, and making it much easier for them to recognise issues of consent, boundary-crossing and to advocate for and protect themselves later in life when they start navigating dating and sex.
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Incorporating these conversations in age-appropriate ways as children grow also means it will be easier to have conversations about sex when appropriate without it feeling unbearably awkward for everyone involved, which is important. Parents who try to cram a lifetime’s worth of information and messaging into one mortified conversation are likely to rush it, leaving out vital information, and children are less likely to feel comfortable asking questions – and children who don’t feel comfortable asking the adults in their lives questions about bodies, boundaries and sex are likely to look for answers elsewhere, and who wants Google searches, other children or pornography being their child’s source of sex education? Conversations about bodies, consent, pleasure and sex should be ongoing throughout a child’s life, updating the information with age-appropriate answers to any of their questions.
For a lot of parents, talking about puberty – which should happen before the child starts experiencing it – is a good time to start addressing the topic of masturbation. Boys often start masturbating when they experience erections and wet dreams, and it’s important to let them know that what’s going on with their bodies is normal. Girls can often be left out of discussions about masturbation as sex education in school may reference erections and male ejaculation in regards to reproduction and reference pleasure, while girls’ pleasure is often completely overlooked. This silence can be deeply damaging, as young people grow up believing that girls’ pleasure is not important, and believing that male orgasms are the only point of and indicator of good sex, which can lead to damaging attitudes around sex that become entrenched.
Talking about masturbation can also be a good time to talk about pornography, as research shows that children first view pornography at age 13
These conversations with puberty-age children don’t have to be detailed, but can again focus on making sure children know the names of body parts, their function, and just normalising the topic of masturbation and pleasure. Letting girls know about the clitoris and telling them that masturbation is normal and that their pleasure is important means that they’ll be more likely to think about and advocate for the types of touching they enjoy and are comfortable with when they start to date and explore sexual interactions with others. Conversations about masturbation don’t have to be kept gender-specific; if girls and boys learn about different types of bodies and learn that both boys and girls’ experiences of pleasure are equally natural and important, they’re more likely to be respectful and considerate of other people’s boundaries, desire and pleasure when they start having sex.
Talking about masturbation can also be a good time to talk about pornography, as research shows that children first view pornography at age 13, and while they may not be viewing it regularly, they are likely to encounter it in their teens. Talking to teenagers about how pornography can often present aggressive sex as normal and will not model vital aspects of sex like consent, contraception, pleasure and boundaries is vitally important, and can be included in conversations about masturbation and sexuality.
If your children are teenagers and you haven’t yet started these conversations, it’s always better late than never. Having parents who speak openly, non-judgmentally and age-appropriately about bodies and sexual health will help children stay safe, well-informed and empowered. For many parents, creating this type of environment may involve some self-reflection, and it can be important for parents to think about their own education around masturbation, the attitudes they absorbed growing up, and to think intentionally about the messages they want to convey to their children. Many adults grew up without sex education or open discussions of bodies, pleasure and masturbation, and many absorbed religious and shaming messages about masturbation and sexual pleasure. For parents, taking some time to think about their own feelings can be helpful in acknowledging the impact of the messages they received growing up, and then make some conscious decisions about the information and values they want to share with their children. Working through any shame, trauma or internalised negativity can be important, and parents should feel free both to seek support for themselves and resources on how to start having these conversations with their children.