Dear Roe,
I hope you can give me some guidance even if I keep some details vague to protect my privacy. I’m in my early thirties and this year I met my partner, who is wonderful. They make me very happy and we have both said we could see a future together. But this month I was told that I would be a shoo-in for a professional opportunity that would require a move out of the country for at least a year and a half, with the possibility of extending it three more years. The offer is exciting and would be a great move for me professionally, but I am also nervous about moving to a different country. My partner cannot move with me because of their own work and family obligations. I’m torn on what to do. I know that what I have with my partner is special and that I’ve been looking for love for a long time. I know if I stayed we could build a lovely life here, while there are a lot of unknowns about moving away. On the other hand, this is a really great opportunity that I definitely would take if I hadn’t met my partner, and I’m worried about passing up a big career move for a relationship that doesn’t come with guarantees. We could do long-distance, and if the move was definitely just for 18 months, we’d manage, but the possibility of it extending for longer feels too long. I’m worried about making the wrong decision and regretting it. How do I know what the right choice is?
Joni Mitchell has a song Hejira, where she sings, “You know it never has been easy/ Whether you do or you do not resign/Whether you travel the breadth of extremities/Or stick to some straighter line.” It never has been easy. It never will be easy. No plan we make for our lives will ever be free from struggles or challenges or upsets. So how about we free ourselves from the illusion of right and wrong decisions and the black-and-white thinking they perpetuate, and the intense pressure they can create.
You can stay or you can go. Neither plan will end with you being completely happy, and there will be moments along either path where you will doubt yourself and feel some pangs of regret. Each path will have its own unique struggles, challenges and hardships. The choice isn’t between one “right” path and one “wrong” path – the choice is what kind of hard do you want? What values do you want to embrace and will feel true to you even when life feels difficult? In 50 years when you look back on your life, which path will you be able to look upon and say “I made some sacrifices and struggled, but I made the choice that felt like it was taking me towards myself?”
Moving towards yourself will look and feel different for everyone, depending on what you value (or what you are valuing at this time in your life; this can change over time and that’s okay too). Moving towards yourself may feel like safety, like commitment, like staying where you are and building something with someone you love. Or it might feel like challenging yourself, pushing yourself, being out of your comfort zone and the growth that comes with new experiences. These aren’t always binary choices; sometimes staying still with someone you love is safety and commitment but also marks a new experience that requires an emotional bravery that will take you out of your comfort zone. Maybe moving to a new country is a novel experience in many ways, but leaving a relationship before it can fully develop is a familiar pattern. Think about your options independently of each other; pretend the other option doesn’t exist. When you think of staying in Ireland and staying with your partner, how does that option make you feel? Don’t just think of how much you love your partner, think of the whole package – how would living here, working here, committing to a life here feel? What parts of you does it excite and bring to life? Are these the best parts of you?
Now think of the difficulties you will encounter along this path, practical and emotional. Think of how your career will feel. And understanding that there are never any guarantees in life and that your relationship may or may not survive long-term, think of how you will feel about yourself, having made a big career sacrifice for love – does that align with your values? Will it feel brave, hopeful, like you’re valuing romance and connection and personal fulfilment over work? Or will it feel like a shrinking, a sacrifice, a loss of personal commitment and development?
Now think through the option of going, considering what parts of you feel excited and alive. Think about the inevitable challenges and opportunities for growth that will come with moving to a new country. If it proves harder than expected or your career doesn’t go exactly as planned, will you be able to stand over your decision to end a year-long but special relationship to try something new and challenging in a new place? Will that feel like a move towards self-development that you’ll be proud you made, no matter the outcome? Or will you regret emphasising career over connection?
If you make one choice, love or career, how will you still honour your passion for the other? If you stay, can you still build a career that is exciting and challenging and that fulfils you? If you go, can you still value connection and love by remaining open to new friendships and romance?
You don’t have to know how things will turn out, and you don’t have to put yourself under the pressure of making a choice that is devoid of any consequence or struggle. All you have to do is make a decision that feels right for what you want for your life, thinking about what kind of hard you want, and trusting that you will be able to deal with the struggles that come.
I have no opinion on which path is better for you – I couldn’t. I don’t know what you want or need from your life right now, or what path would bring you closer to yourself. Only you can know that – and even then, you’ll have to accept that maybe had the choice been presented to you five years ago or five years in the future, your choice may have been different, and that’s okay too. Make the best decision you can with the information you have now, and commit to that choice.
Which brings me to my one gut feeling about your choice, which you are of course free to ignore, but I’ll offer it anyway: make a choice and do it right instead of doing two things badly. I have been in long-distance relationships and they can be beautiful and meaningful – but only if they’re actively adding to your present and future life, not detracting from them. Staying in this relationship while moving to a different country for one or maybe four years will prevent you from committing to either properly. You won’t be able to throw yourself into life and think about building a future in this new place if the opportunity arises, and you won’t be able to grow in the relationship in the way you would be able to if you were living together and building a life.
Life will always be exciting and hard and full of wonder and disappointment. Pick which exciting and wondrous choice feels the most like loving yourself, and pick the hard thing that feels like the most rewarding struggle. The best of luck.