I’m in my 20s. How do I stop comparing myself to others?
Imagine a world where everyone was valued and celebrated exactly equally. No social or financial hierarchies, just everyone doing their own thing and embraced and rewarded equally. What would you value? What would feel like the most interesting, inspiring way to spend your time? What passions would you want to pursue? What would feel like the most interesting, connected, empowering, expansive, growth-allowing actions to pursue? Figure out what you value in life, what makes you feel good as an individual and what makes you feel like you’re genuinely contributing to the world. When you see someone doing something that aligns with your values, celebrate that other people care about what you care about and take inspiration from them, whether that means trying to be as ambitious as them, as kind, as hard-working, as brave, as adventurous, as empathetic, as open to new experiences – whatever. Try to embrace those qualities and bring them to your own life, focusing not on outcomes and results but on the way you want to exist in the world. When you see someone doing something that doesn’t align with your values but is getting socially rewarded, let them at it. That’s not your path. Pay attention to what narratives you’re being fed through social media and pop culture and what you are being told to value – and consciously opt out of platforms, algorithms, conversations or social groups that demand that you prove your worth by adhering to one way of existing. Those narratives are not good for you and those people aren’t your people. Remember that every time you act authentically, you are giving yourself another opportunity to build the life you want, and to find the people who will love you as you are.
I’m gay and I started a relationship with a very closeted man last year. He’s divorced and he was between girlfriends. We got on very well and the sex was very good. He seemed to want to be the woman in bed. He’s a very “manly” man; being with a fella doesn’t go with this image and his parents are still alive, and I don’t think he could imagine them knowing. We broke up a few times. He always came back. Then he broke it off definitively but he’s always kept in touch. Every so often he wants to meet and it’s obvious it’s for sex. What’s going on with him? He’s a nice guy but he’s doing my head in.
There’s a lot going on with him – but that’s not your concern. Your concern should be what’s going on with you. This man is closeted, inconsistent, emotionally unavailable, using you for sex, and is “doing your head in”. What’s going on with you that you are keeping this man in your life? He’s not good for you. You can have empathy for a man who isn’t out yet while still setting boundaries and not engaging with his game-playing. Remember: when you stay in a dynamic with an emotionally unavailable person, you are keeping yourself emotionally unavailable. By giving him so much space in your life, you’re preventing anyone more emotionally available from entering it. Why aren’t you ready and willing to engage with someone who is unequivocally enthusiastic about you and ready for something real? Stop focusing on him and his inability to commit to something real – and start focusing on yourself, and explore why you’re using him as a place to hide from something real. You deserve better. Figure out why you don’t fully believe that yet.
[ I’m asexual but want a relationship. How do I try to date?Opens in new window ]
I had an intense relationship in my early 20s, which led to a short-lived engagement. We broke up and went our separate ways. Both of us met other people, got married and had children. While out for drinks with friends last year, we were chatting about ex-girlfriends and now, 25 years on, I can’t stop thinking about her. I think about reaching out to her just to see how she’s doing and have a chat. Sometimes this feels like a completely natural thing to do and then I catch myself and wonder what on earth am I thinking. Is this common and how do I stop these thoughts?
You don’t need to stop your thoughts, you need to redirect them away from this woman and back towards yourself, because this woman is a red herring. You considered having a life together and then didn’t, because you were incompatible. It didn’t work out then and it wouldn’t have worked out long-term. Now your life is settled and you’re having some very normal feelings of boredom and routine and are projecting these feelings on to the fantasy of “maybe with her, life would have been different/more exciting/more fulfilling/whatever.” You don’t need to reconnect with this woman, you need to reconnect with yourself. In your fantasies of life with this other woman, what parts of you are you imagining being different or coming to life? Focus on ways of reconnecting with these aspects of yourself, and figure out what you need to bring some excitement, novelty and a sense of connectedness into your life now – while embracing the joys of your family.
I’ve been with my fiance for four years, engaged for six months but I’m having second thoughts. He’s great on paper but I don’t feel fully supported by him. He doesn’t really celebrate my achievements, shuts down if I ever get emotional, and when I’m going through any stress or difficulty I feel brushed off. I’ve stopped confiding in him when I’m anxious or looking for support. Everything else is fine so I don’t know if I’m expecting too much or being too needy
You’re not expecting too much. I want you to remember three things. First, what is necessary is not necessarily sufficient. A person can fulfil the basic requirements of what you want from a relationship, they can be “good on paper” – and they can not be enough for you. Meeting the basic requirements doesn’t mean you have to be with them, and you are allowed to want more than the basic requirements. Second, wanting your husband to be a person who champions you, encourages you, celebrates your wins, reassures you and accepts you is not “expecting too much” or “being too needy”. Go find a therapist who will help you figure out why you believe that wanting love, acceptance and support is too much. Think about whether, with open conversation or counselling, you could get what you need from this relationship, or whether you need to find it elsewhere. Finally, if you still don’t believe me when I say you need and deserve to feel emotionally supported by your partner, remember this. You are currently planning to marry someone who is going to be by your side through every big life event you will ever go through. The details of this may differ for you depending on your life circumstances and desires for the future, but here are some common examples: if you marry this man, he will be the person who sees you go through the death of both of your parents. He will see you through health difficulties and any big illnesses. He will be there through all the career ups and downs of your life, all the failures and successes, all the new explorations and passions. He is the person who you may raise children with and survive the hardest parts of that with, and he will be the other person from whom your children directly learn about love, and who will teach them what kind of love and support and emotional engagement they deserve. If you don’t think that he can offer you the support, encouragement, love and effort to help you through these experiences, he’s not the one. This is your one and only life. Don’t tie it to someone who can’t help you live it the way you need, and the way you deserve. Good luck.