“Love came down at Christmas…”, the Victorian poem by Christina Rossetti that has been set to music for a popular carol, conjures up an image to warm the hearts of believers and non-believers alike.
But on the flip side, grief too descends with renewed intensity at this time of year. Amidst all the goodwill and celebrations, an absence can be devastating.
“Grief is the price of love,” says the director of bereavement and education with the Irish Hospice Foundation (IHF), Orla Keegan, adding that the first Christmas after a bereavement is usually a “dreaded time”.
“It’s a time when everything is meant to be happy and right with the world. It’s a time that’s full of tradition, when family comes together. Therefore, the idea that you’re heading into [this] time without that important family member, when you’re anything but happy and you can hardly countenance what is ahead of you – all of that is characterised by dread.”
Some bereavements are more visible than others and therefore more acknowledged by others. Friends and family will know and understand the sadness of those who have lost a parent, a partner, a sibling or a child during the year. But Keegan would also urge a sensitivity to grief that might not be so visible.
“For example, maybe there was a miscarriage during the year and this would have been the baby’s first Christmas.” Or perhaps an ex-spouse has died, or a beloved pet. “People don’t always validate those sorts of loss, but these can be acutely felt.” Equally, after the first year, bereaved people may feel under pressure not to appear sad at this stage and not to talk about their grief, which can be very isolating.
The nature and the circumstances of a loss will colour the sense of grief. But we all grieve differently and there is no right or wrong way to do it. In the first raw year, each individual probably knows what part of the festivities they are going to struggle with and should let their feelings be known in advance.
[ Did you know the term ‘grief overload’ exists? I didn’t until recentlyOpens in new window ]
Christmas is unavoidable, says Keegan, but with a bit of planning and discussion, you can look at doing things differently. That might mean going to a different house or venue, or having a buffet Christmas dinner instead of a table set with one fewer place. However, others might like to make a point of raising a glass to the empty chair where the departed person habitually sat.
“Anticipation helps you to at least just take control of what you think will be the high points of your grief. We would say to be patient with each other in the family, because different pieces of Christmas will be more challenging for others.”
Of the approximately 35,500 deaths in Ireland since last Christmas, more than a third will have been of people aged 85 years and over, and fourth-fifths of those over 65 years. Any comfort that the bereaved might be able to take from an acceptance of the cycle of life is painfully absent after the death of a child, however.
With Christmas being such a child-centred time of year, grief becomes amplified for a lot of people in the weeks running up to the actual day, says Georgia Howard, clinical services director of the charity FirstLight (firstlight.ie). Formerly the Irish Sudden Infant Death Association, the charity now offers free counselling services to families that have experienced the death of a child aged from under a year to 18.
For the first Christmas after the death of a child, many people prefer to go away if they can, she says. They find it easier to get through the day in a place where they are not known and there are not the reminders everywhere of their baby or child.
However, when there is at least one sibling for whom parents want to maintain some of the traditional rituals, families have to find a way to combine celebrations with cherishing the memory of the child no longer there. Sometimes, says Howard, that child may have been the one who particularly loved to have the house all lit up, but parents who want to keep that up in their honour are afraid of what neighbours and extended family might think.
“It would be ideal if as a society we could have permission for everybody to do what they need to do,” she says, even “if that means your house can be seen from space, or you don’t even want to put a tree up.” Always be mindful, she adds, that even if someone’s house is fabulously decorated, that does not mean it is not extremely hard for them to go through Christmas without a departed person.
Keegan says some people like to start a new festive tradition, be that an outing or a ritual at home, dedicating it to their loved one. “It’s finding the thing that suits you and your family,” she adds. She calls on everybody to take a moment to think of those who have been bereaved in the past year and to empathise, acknowledge the absence.
Apart from organising a sing-along, Nola Lambert says the family is intent on ‘having Christmas like we’ve always had’ – albeit with an empty chair. ‘Why wouldn’t we?’
For one south Co Dublin family, reviving a neighbourhood carol-singing tradition this Christmas is a way of honouring their mother and grandmother, who died in September this year. They are inviting local residents to join them for an hour of musical “Christmas cheer” on a green in front of the Glenageary home of Eileen Hall, who died just two months short of her 92nd birthday.
“In our heads, it’s for mum,” says Nola Lambert, one of Eileen’s two adult children. She and her sister, Diane Middleton, have spent nearly every Christmas together, even as their family circle expanded. It was Lambert’s eldest daughter, Laura, one of five grandchildren, who came up with the idea of the carol-singing. Part of a musical family, she used to hear her grandmother, mother and aunt talk about great gatherings of Silchester Park residents for outdoor festive singing, orchestrated by Eileen’s husband George, who died two decades ago.
Apart from organising this sing-along, Lambert says they are intent on “having Christmas like we’ve always had” – albeit with an empty chair. “Why wouldn’t we?”
“We are going to celebrate the life she had,” agrees Middleton. They had watched their mother struggle physically with her Parkinson’s disease towards the end, while retaining her cognitive faculties. Her death while asleep in her own bed at home was as peaceful a departure as they could have hoped for.
“She has been mourned, but we are not in mourning,” says Middleton. But they know that they are fortunate, and that there are others grieving premature and much more difficult deaths. “We feel privileged that we had her for the length of time we did.”
Whatever the nature of the loss, here are 10 suggestions for navigating grief at Christmas:
1) Give yourself permission to both engage and withdraw
Accept or refuse invitations as feels right for you and do not worry about what other people might think. Or, as the IHF suggests, adapt them and say you will go for part of an event. Try to anticipate what might be difficult and avoid or plan an alternative.
2) Start a new tradition
Family rituals are disrupted by the loss of a loved member. Keegan says she knows there will be people visiting a grave this Christmas Day for the first time. “It is bittersweet because it is sad but also a way of honouring and remembering.” Others might like to light a candle in a particular location or have a new decoration that will then be taken out in their memory every year. Or maybe head off to a run, walk or swim organised by a charity relevant to the deceased.
3) Allow yourself to be overwhelmed
Be really tolerant of yourself and your grief, says Keegan. If it comes in a wave, don’t fight it. “It comes when it comes and sometimes at the unexpected times.”
4) Embrace joy too
The counterbalance is equally “to allow yourself a tiny, unexpected piece of happiness or joy, by observing something that nurtures you or something that lifts you. That’s okay.”
5) Have an exit strategy
Organising an early lift home, or a bedroom to retire to for a lie-down, says Howard, can take some of the anxiety out of the prospect of the Christmas Day marathon of eating, drinking and socialising.
6) Say their name
Speak about the dead person; laugh about them; cry about them. Involve the next generation in stories about them, says Keegan. “Often people are afraid to do that, in case they upset someone else in the family. But if you don’t talk about them and you’re really feeling full of loss and grief, you’re adding to the isolation of grief.”
7) Be honest with children
Youngsters grieve differently. It is important to allow them the good times of Christmas, but also not to shield them from what others are going through.
“It’s trying to be honest with children, so that while you’re engaging fully in Christmas as best you can, you might also be sad,” she explains. “Children themselves very much step in and out of their sadness. To help them understand what’s going on for them, they need to be able to observe the adults around them and to be able to talk to them.
[ Almost 1,100 children called support line over Christmas periodOpens in new window ]
8) Tap the Christmas spirit
There is undoubtedly more of a sense of goodwill at this time of year. “People are there for you and you can reach out to them,” says Keegan. “Call in your favours.” – whether that is for practical help, or for comforting company on a walk, or for coffee when you cannot face group gatherings.
9) Mind yourself
The importance of self-care cannot be stressed enough. We grieve in our body and that body can be tense, stressed, irritated and exhausted. Eat well – and what you like; rest well and get some exercise.
10) Be wary of alcohol
Be aware of the impact of drink and reduce your usual consumption if feeling raw, adds Keegan. “If emotions are already heightened and if there are any tense relationships, sometimes drink can make those worse.” The Irish Hospice Foundation runs a free bereavement support line in partnership with the HSE, Monday to Friday, 10am-1pm on 1800 807077, but it will be closed on December 25th and 26th and again on January 1st.
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