I’m a man in my 50s and I like to think I’m pretty self-aware, hence my looking for some help. I’ve gotten as far as I can go with my job. I’m a manager of a local business and I had been working on accepting this as a given, but I’ve been given an opportunity to go to Europe and this has thrown me.
A guy from college contacted me out of the blue and asked if I’d like to run a franchise for him. It would involve living in central Europe and managing businesses in various countries. It is all legit and he is someone I always trusted in the past, so I don’t see any dangers there. It seems like a great way out of feeling stuck and not feeling so old that I’ve nothing more to offer.
But there is also the other side, that of starting from scratch and building social and business networks with just me at the base. I’ve never been strong socially and there was a time in my 20s when I felt that I would always be alone, but working in a small place forced me into connections in the community and I’ve always been grateful for that. I’m not in a relationship and this is another thing that I’ve tried to accept as something that won’t happen for me - so if I take up this offer, it will be me, alone.
The memory of that time in my 20s is haunting me and I’m worried that I could end up in that dark place again – and feel stupid that I took this risk. But I’m tempted to have a go at something different. What should I do?
‘Although my current job has a structured career path and is secure, I find it meaningless’
‘I am divorced at 60, envious of my ex-husband’s new life and struggling with loneliness’
‘I’m dating a previously married man but I feel sad that I will always come second to his children’
‘A stranger entered our family and turned them all against us’
The solid ground you have is your self-awareness. This allows you to know yourself well enough to make judgments, to put what you need into place and to assess what the pitfalls might be. Much of taking up the offer is sorted: you trust your boss and you don’t seem to doubt your work capacity.
You know that you are suffering from stagnancy and your life needs some vibrancy and now you have this opportunity that may seem bigger than what you would want but nonetheless, it is right in front of you. The question is of your mental and emotional wellbeing and how you can bolster these in the face of such upheaval. Mentally, it is fear that is gripping you and this comes in the form of fear of the past repeating itself or fear of isolation and loneliness.
These fears are not unfounded, but you do not want fear to be the deciding factor of your life. Can you approach this as in a stepped manner? Sometimes our minds jump into the future and we become overwhelmed at the negative imaginings we see there. If smaller stages can be focused on, then it becomes more manageable, and we can get confidence from each small success. Looking at the first year of such a move, you could divide it into three-month pieces and only focus on these one at a time. Following the initial finding a place to live and getting set up in the business, you will know that you’ll need a trip home to source some emotional support.
The second section of time should focus on you making inroads into the community that you live in – joining anything (even drama clubs need background supporters), volunteering (eg, local kids football) and perhaps taking language classes that will connect you to others who are also trying to find connections. No one makes true friendships in an instant, but if you persist, keep turning up and show interest in others, relationships will develop over time. You will need to risk rejection, but in the arena of friendship or of romantic relationship, nothing real can happen without taking this risk.
Your self-awareness should come into play here too, as you will be able to differentiate between the rejector’s own personal issues or whether it really is something to do with you. You have learned a lot in the past 30 years, and it will not go to waste now, but it seems that your life was becoming too small for you anyway and some stretching is called for. That you would like a romantic relationship and have not had a meaningful one is something that needs attention too – strangely, more change is possible for us when we are already in a period of change – so there is an opportunity here.
[ ‘Everyone expects us to get married and it feels like an unstoppable train’Opens in new window ]
Have faith in yourself and in your capacity to both see and take action on any personal issues you may experience. Eg, if you are feeling your mood slipping, find a doctor, a psychotherapist or a coach locally and address what is happening. Trust in your self-knowledge and your self-confidence will grow as a result. Your fear of the past repeating itself needs to be approached in a steady, methodical way. All you need is to know when you require extra support and be willing to reach out for it.
This move does not have to be an all-or-nothing decision. Go, do your best and if in a year or so you feel that it is not for you, then accept it knowing that you gave it your best shot and return with the added experience of having taken a risk and faced down fears.
- To send your question to Trish Murphy, fill in the form below, click here or email tellmeaboutit@irishtimes.com
