Dear Roe,
I have recently begun a new relationship, but I’m scared that my lack of confidence is going to ruin it for both of us. I’m in my late twenties and haven’t had a serious relationship before, which I realise is probably related to long-standing self-esteem issues. Now that I’ve found someone I like, who is kind and seems to feel the same way, I can feel these issues getting in the way. I am constantly fearing that I have done something wrong, and expecting my partner to change their mind as a result.
In bed, I’m overthinking my lack of sexual experience, questioning whether I am “bad” at even the most basic acts like kissing, which feels self-fulfilling as it’s inhibiting me from relaxing, taking the initiative, or trying new things. I have tried to express some of my insecurities, but I also don’t want to “kill the mood” or get into a habit of seeking reassurance, especially at the start of a relationship when I know things should mostly feel fun and light.
How can I relax into this relationship without consistently fearing rejection?
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Congratulations on finding someone kind who likes you and entering your first relationship! What a gorgeous, exciting time. The fact that you are self-aware and want to grow to be able to enjoy this relationship is a great place to start. Your awareness that you have had some long-standing self-esteem issues is also a benefit to you right now, as you know that these anxieties and insecurities are not actually coming from you being in any way incapable in your relationship or are a sign that you’re doing anything wrong, they’re just an old script that your brain keeps falling back on.
Being aware that these self-esteem issues have been affecting you for a long time will also help you remain aware of what is your responsibility to tackle, and what is reasonable to expect from a partner. While of course we can and should expect our partners to be kind, supportive and to add to our feelings of comfort and safety, we do still have a personal responsibility to tackle our own emotional issues, particularly those that predate the relationships. Partners can add to our sense of esteem and self-worth, but they can’t be expected to heal all our wounds or be solely responsible for propping up our self-esteem – we need to take care of ourselves, too. This is the healthiest way to be in a relationship, not only because it’s not placing unreasonable emotional demands on our partners, but because when we have a healthy sense of self-esteem independently of a relationship or one specific partner, it means that we’re choosing the best relationship for us, rather than feeling completely dependent on one person or one relationship to prop up our sense of self. That’s too precarious a dynamic.
With that in mind, given your history of self-esteem issues, I recommend you seek out a therapist to help you work on them. They’ve been impacting you for a long time and are now adding anxiety and insecurity to your relationship, so you owe it to yourself and your relationship to get support so you can learn to value yourself, rewrite the old scripts in your head that are telling you you’re not good enough, and learn to enjoy the present.
What’s happening right now is that you are experiencing insecurity and then experiencing an added, meta layer of anxiety about how your insecurity is impacting your relationship. Tackling the original underlying layer of insecurity will help dilute your current anxieties and help you do what you want to be doing – appreciating and enjoying your new relationship in the moment.
The reason that addressing your self-esteem issues will be beneficial for your relationship is that the anxieties and insecurities you’re describing – the fear of doing something wrong, the self-consciousness, the second-guessing yourself – comes from an old script that I suspect you’ve been believing for years. I suspect you’ve long believed that in order to be lovabe or worthy, you must behave in a particular way, that you must suppress or hide certain parts of yourself to be accepted, and that making mistakes or acting “wrong” will result in rejection. This is why you’re scared about your lack of experience, because you believe that being accepted is dependent on you being someone else – someone with more experience than you have.
But here’s the thing: you are who you are, and intimacy comes from letting someone love you as you are. And intimacy isn’t a pass/fail test that happens at the start of a connection. It’s a connection that forms and grows and evolves over time, and your partner is in it with you, not sitting outside of it, judging you. If you want real intimacy, you have to let the other person know you as you are.
To create intimacy, you must also be able to see your partner as they are, and if you’re constantly overthinking and entering an insecure spiral about your own actions, you won’t be able to see your partner or be present with them. In moments where you find yourself overthinking or stuck in your anxieties, try to shift your focus from you to your partner. Pay attention to how they make you feel, what you enjoy about their presence, what feels good and safe to you, and how they respond to you. Intimacy isn’t about constantly acting “correctly” or constantly working to prove yourself, it’s a shared experience. You don’t have to be an expert in sex or relationships. You just have to be present in this relationship.
This is true for the social and romantic parts of your relationship, and the sexual parts of your relationship. Instead of feeling insecure about your lack of experience, embrace this as a process of exploration and creation. You get to explore what feels good for you, what feels good for your partner, and you get to create a social, romantic and sexual life that feels connected and fulfilling and pleasurable for both of you. You won’t be able to do this if you’re pretending to have an experience you don’t, or assuming that you know what the “correct” way to behave or have sex is. Because spoiler alert: there is no one way to have sex or be in a relationship. Everyone likes different things, and everyone creates new dynamics with different partners. Assuming that there’s one “correct” way to be with your partner is actually denying them the opportunity to express their interests, and denying you both the opportunity to explore and create ways of being with each other.
[ My ex has become the man I always wanted, but with someone elseOpens in new window ]
When you do want to voice your insecurities, it’s possible to express them without framing them as a plea for reassurance. In practice this may look like not phrasing things like, “I’m worried I’m bad at this” – which can feel like a pressurised request for reassurance – but instead saying something like, “I really like being close to you, but sometimes I get in my head about it and am unsure about how you’re feeling”. This opens up a conversation about the two of you and your connection, and will allow it to be a space for mutual sharing instead of a one-sided dynamic where you’re asking for reassurance and they’re giving it.
Please remember: you don’t have to be perfect to be loved. Your partner isn’t perfect either, I promise. You just have to be willing to be honest, to be yourself, to work on yourself and your relationship. That’s what makes relationships rich and fulfilling. You’re not behind, or failing, or doing anything wrong. You are simply learning to be loved, by yourself and others. It’s a beautiful thing. Embrace the lessons, and enjoy them.
